I am getting that itch again

I have been in one place for about 4 months now and I need a change. I have been living the same pattern for too long. I need someone to swoop in and change it all up. I need more friends is that I really need.
I hate mouse traps, the traditional ones where you kill the mouse, I prefer life traps. I ate too many M&Ms today. It makes my tummy hurt and for some reason that makes me think about the poor little mice being snapped up.


poor little mice.

So it is only 8 pm and I am so tired. I couldn't sleep last night to save my life. When I finally drifted off it was well past 3 am and I had work in the morning. I started my new class today. I so far really like them, they have a lot of questions. They are also not scared to talk which is good. My favorite class the 7th graders are planning some sort of surprise for Wednesday. I love my 7th graders, they may be the only ones getting Christmas presents from me.

I made my sister a journal today. I used all my papers that I only wrote on one side. I hope she likes it. I have also been making Christmas bows like the ones for packages. My favorite is made from the London Tube map. I really want to go back to London. I really want to go everywhere. If only I had the money.

I think I am about ready to get married! lol. I think I need someone in my life like that.

Gosh I miss my family. I really need to talk to Dr. Hanley. I have a lot of big questions, I need to make sure this is the right choice. The best way for me to help.

What to do what to do... I am eating a super stale pretzel right now. It is not making me happy. I have already gone through two glasses of water adn I am only half way through the stupid dry pretzel.


Well, it is now Tuesday night, I have a fever, I have moved my computer into my bed room so I can watch a movie and fall asleep early. Then I started packing. Almost my entire backpack is filled with gifts. CRAZYNESS! I have a big family i guess. Margitte and Dieter gave me a huge box of Christmas cookies to take home for the family. Really German Gingerbread! LOL it took up like half of my backpack. And then the two bottles of wine for my Aunt and Uncle Masatti took up another 1/4 of the space. I am so excited to give them wine for which I picked the grapes, ok well maybe no their wine but the same kind of wine from the same vineyard.

Today I went to an international Weihnachtmarkt. It was great. I found three more great gifts. however, one might stay mine... I kind of really like it :-D We will have to see. It is supposed to be for a friend. One of the few friend gifts that will be given before July most people have to wait. I know in my heart I should give this present but he will be none the wiser if he doesn't get it and has to wait for everyone else to get something. Besides, it isn't like he is getting me anything. So I can almost justify being greedy right? and really I have not gotten anything for myself except shampoo and a new tooth brush both of which were for the people around me just as much as they were for me.

I hope Erin really can visit so I can get rid of some of this wine. I just don't know what to do with all of it. Maybe I will take some to Margette and Dieter... I am attempting to bring back 2 bottles they are wrapped pretty tight but I am only trying with the White wine so if it breaks open my stuff might not be ruined. Although I am pretty good at getting red wine stains out! But it is a shame because here i am living in the red wine center of Germany and I bring home white wine... man...

Alright well Fruits Basket is calling to me and I have to be up early tomorrow so Sleep seems like a good plan.


Ta Ta for Now!

~ME

Tra La la la la la la

So, I am still so tired it might kill me. And today was a horrid day. But I am going to make the best of it.

I am actually about to go to sleep right now for a good and well deserved nap.

I just felt like adding another message about basically nothing.

So Tired I might just fall apart.

Seriously I think My limbs are going to fall off from lack of Sleep. But the late night talks were worth it. And it was nice to sleep next to someone again!

So Basically London was the BEST TIME EVER. I love Sharif and my sleeping buddie! And all the others. I love London, I will never NEVER forget this weekend. It was just what I needed.

I really have so much to write but I cannot even think. Here is what I know. I am ready to take on my adventure again. I know I was a bit down there for a moment but I am back up and running. LIFE IF NOT GOOD IT IS GREAT!

alright that is literally all I can write currently so I am off to bed.

love much
ME

I hope you like the Change of Music

I felt the need to have some good Christmas music playing so I thought I would share that Christmas spirit with everyone!


I AM GOING CRAZY!

Mark Twain said My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years.
I miss my dog. My dog is way cooler than any German dog.


Alright in other news.

I am spending money I don't have to go to London this weekend. I am going to see Cat and K10. I am taking Anna, however, I don't think she is going to be happy with me. All she wants to do is shop and I cannot spare a single dollar! I might just be like, well there are the stores I will see you in a few hours.


So, my loans are all messed up. I am not really sure what to do with them. I just know I was denied my deferment so I had to go into forebarence which means I have to pay a huge fee every three months and every six months that huge fee is pretty much tripled.


BLECK

Starting this on Thanksgiving day

Well I am starting this entry on Thanksgiving day, however, true to form I am not sure if I will finish it today or when I shall in fact finish it. I was supposed to have dinner with Anna today. However, she bailed on me, so I am now sitting alone watching "Die Simpsons" and eating baked Feta and Tomatoes.


bleck I think I ate to much... my tummy is hurting.

I wonder how they make different types of cheese. I know Feta is from sheep's milk, I think Mozzarella is from buffalo? Some one told me that once but I don't know if it is true or not.

Starting today it is officially alright to sing Christmas songs! This makes me very happy. So Germans kids think little baby Christ brings them presents. How cute. Their St. Nicolas simply fills their shoes with candy on the 6th of December.

I think that the idea of little baby Christ bring presents scares me a little bit. I am kind of scared of baby Jesus.

So I printed off the picture of what I want my haircut today. I am hoping maybe tomorrow I can find a place to get it cut. I need to find out how much it costs to get a hair cut, because if it is a lot aka more than 20 euro I am going to wait until I get home and go to the beauty college.

My toe really hurts. I really think I broke it.

It is hard to think that next weekend I will be in London. It will be so nice to be somewhere in which everyone speaks English for awhile. Anna and I are going to try to visit at least one university so she can see what they are like. She is really scared about going to University. I keep trying to tell her if she is that scared she should go to a German University for the first year so she is close to home and then she can go abroad. However, I guess to her London is near to home, only an hour flight. And really I am super happy she is going for her dreams no matter how scary they are. I just want her to know it is ok if she doesn't do it right away.


I am now watching lord of th rings in German. It is interesting. The Germans are cool because they usually attempt to find voice actors close to the original voices. So it doesn't sound very weird to hear them all talking.

I think I am going to make a cup of Hot Chocolate and open the window.

It is time to sing Christmas songs! DECK THE HALLS... Silent night.... OH COME ALL YE FAITHFUL.... In the Meadow we can build a snow man...... There are more but I am going to stop now.

I cannot wait to see James and Claudia. They are so great to me. James has one fun time planned for our day. I hope we really get to do it.


Alright I have to pee, so I am going to actually post this on the same day that I started it! WOW I know I know it seems crazy.

Hello Froto

What to say,

I am so tired I may fall over dead... I have a ton of stuff to get ready for tomorrow but I just don't feel like doing it and I cannot fall asleep so a nap is out of the question so I am just going to sit here in a state of I have no idea what is going on.

Yuck, I just though about the word sliced, I hate the word sliced.

I want to go back to the vineyard. It was so beautiful and so fun. And the boys were really cute.

I love kayaker Joe he is currently sitting atop the jar of Jif. mmmm JIf peanut butter. Seriously Claudia rocks for sending me such a wonderfully great package. I wore my sweet socks today, they are seriously the best things I have ever had on my feet. And Johnny looks hot chilaxing on my tv.

Well, I started this post two days ago and just keep adding more and more. I was going to write a bit but then I noticed the time. I need to go help Susanne in the kitchen. More to come later.


I like the word cackle.... I wish more people cackled so I could comment to my friends, I heard a really good cackle today. Or wow she had a wee little cackle.

Pineapple yogurt it tasty. Yum Yum Yum


So I have been writing this entry for days now and each time I just pick a random spot to start typing. So sorry that is it so disjointed, but you know.. I hope you enjoy it and its random life.

Just got back from my adult English class. They were so fun. Also I officially have a ride to the Airport now! YAY Christmas vacation is only a month away! How fun. Tomorrow I am going to have a weird schedule. All day at the airport again with the 8th graders, home for lunch at 3pm. I think I will go running sometime after lunch. At 7pm I am calling Papa, it is his birthday so I am calling him and Grandma to see how they are doing and to wish Papa a happy birthday. After that I will probably go to sleep have an alarm set so that a t 2am I can wake up to call Erin and wish her a happy birthday.

Random writing may also be included, in todays post, don't ask me what they are I don't know. I have tons of little bits of random writing I think it is working itself into a book. It seems to be a story about a guy who was madly in love with someone who died and he is having troubles moving on

Today I feel like I am a stranger, I don't know you well enough to write what I am feeling, I fear your judgment. I worry that I have to make a strong impression, that you are waiting for something great and I don't have greatness to give. I have been alone here for so long, and you expect so much from my journeys, when in truth I am just trying to survive. I don't live the life you want and for that I fear that you will shun me. I fear that you will disapprove that I just want to live. I cannot look you in the eyes any longer, the deepness of your disapproval is to grand for me to overcome. I guess I should just move on, but with so much of my heart I am still in love with you, and with the life we had together. I know it sounds silly but it is so important to have that sense of security that you offered to me.

Milk Rice Recipe (Kiri Bath)
A simple preparation of rice cooked in coconut milk, it is part of the traditions of the Sinhalese people. It is a must on New Year's Day, and on the first day of each month it is the accepted breakfast dish. It is usually served with hot sambals, but some prefer it with grated palm sugar. If you find it difficult to buy palm sugar, use unrefined black sugar as a substitute. Ingredients : Serves 4-5
2 cups 3 cups 2 cups 2 teaspoons 1 stick	Short grain white rice Water Thick coconut milk Salt Cinnamon, optional

So alot has happened

But I don't feel like writing about it so if you want to know about Paris you are going to have to grow a pair and ask me about it.

What am I going to ramble about today...

I am retraining my lungs so that I can actually run. It might kill me. My lungs hurt pretty much all the time right now. Also I am always coughing stuff up. But it is time to reclaim my lungs, bronchitis and pneumonia be damned these are my lungs and I want them back! Anna and I asked a doctor and they helped me come up with a plan to slowly reteach my lungs how to breathe so for the first month I get to do a lot of running. Problem is it is cold and wet out, perfect conditions to catch bronchitis or pneumonia. So I am walking a thin line between fixing and causing more damage. But in the end it will be well worth it. I will be a hard core runner!

So I am currently cleaning the house. On Tuesday we have a potential buyer coming to look at it.

Tomorrow I am going to go to Wesbaden to see Tomte and Novillero. I am excited. I am slowly looking up their songs online so that I am ready! Next Sunday is the Ballet, and the Sunday after we are going to the Theater. I am trying to go to London the first weekend of December and I come home on the 19th for a quick visit with the family. SO MUCH ....

Alright I need to get back to cleaning the house up! God I wish I had some one right now. Can i just say that? I need a boyfriend and BAD!

Bis spater

Oh what a week it has been...

So this week was super hard and for the most part I think I am going to skip the details and just give you an overview.

Monday:
Well Monday was really good
Anna and I tracked down my bank card
We got my train tickets to Paris
We went to see a movie NordWand. It was a really sad movie about mountain climbing but it was still really good.
Got to bed really late which was bad for Tuesday but all the same Monday was GREAT.

Tuesday:
DAY FROM HELL
I had a ton of classes and I was actually left alone for 2 hours with the worst class ever I really wanted to cry.
My day started at 6:30 I had to be to school by 7:30 and I got home at about 4pm. YUCK. I seriously wanted to go home after I was stuck alone with the hellions but my theater group made everything better well expect that i was exhausted.

Wednesday was good too
School started at 7:30 but I only had three lessons so I was home by 11:00 ish. And Wed. Night Anna and i went to Aerobics and visited her dad. It was a blast. I again got to bed late which made getting out of bed this morning next to impossible. Today was super long I was at school for the full day and then there was a minor emergency. Paris was almost canceled. I almost had to go to Italy and Save Hillary. Things were bad, really bad. However, things have been sorted out and Paris is back on the books. So tomorrow before the sun comes up I will be on a train on my way to Paris to meet Hillary and have a GREAT weekend!

So now I need to get packed and get to bed. So hopefully I have great stories for you next week.

xoxoxo
Me

More Random thoughts

First of all, I really need to get my hair cut. I really want to get it cut short much shorter than I have ever had it but I cant go alone and Anna and Susanne don't have free time so I don't want to ask them to go with me so my hair cut might have to wait for Christmas break. but never the less it does need to be cut because the other day I cut off 5 inches by myself because it was so dry and dead from the first couple weeks in Germany and not having good shampoo. So now it is still below my shoulders but it looks kind of stupid because it is not so easy to cut your own hair. So I am upset that I still have no hair cut.


IN other news next weekend I will be in Paris. That seems so crazy to me. I still have not really realized where I am. Amanda in Paris, who would have ever guessed that. I mean I know a lot of people who belong in Paris but I would never have put myself into that group. I actually feel guilty about going when so many people cannot go.

I have been thinking a lot about life after Germany, I think I really want to go into International human rights or International Ecological issues. I know that means I will be poor for the rest of my life but I am really ok with that. I don't need money. Just enough to pay off my student loans. But I am really thinking that I want to do something with Ecological issues. There is this group that is trying to replant the worlds forests and mangroves and I would love to be a part of that, or any of the countless others.

Tonight I am going to Anna's volley ball game. I am really excited about it. And tomorrow a bunch of us girls are playing football. Monday.. well Monday I am back at school again.

Oh my god I just ate way to much. Now I think I need to go vomit. Alright I am going to get going because I have to go check my laundry and figure out what I am going to wear tonight.

Love you talk to you soon.

There is so much music in the world

Today I am going through endless lists of songs I have created as one I need to listen to in life. Many I am adding to my playlist so you will too be forced to give them a try, sometimes one of the songs reminds me of one I already know so it gets added too. I hope you like the additional songs.
So I have had a fever all day today. YUCK. I am so adding the Piano has been drinking. I hope you listen to that one.

Yesterday I read The choice.. it is a Nicholas sparks book. It was sad but I hated it. It isn't a realistic book at all. Claudia you should not read it you will cry a lot. But I got so mad reading. I don't believe there is love like that. Maybe someday someone will prove me wrong and in fact I hope to be proven wrong. The happy person inside me is screaming for someone to prove me wrong but as of now I think it is bullshit.

I am back to work tomorrow this makes me happy. I have been missing my students. They always cheer me up.

I have been reading alot lately and studying alot of German.

I might be going to Frankfurt on Wednesday to the theater. I will have to pretend to be a German high schooler but if I can pull it off it will be fun.

I realized today that I can officially type faster than I can write. I am not sure if that is a good thing or if it means that i have spent too much of my life behind my computer.

I am not super happy about coming home for Christmas. I really dont want to lose anytime in Germany. I mean I am stoked to see the family and I know that dad cries when he thinks that I wont be there. So it will be great I just think a German Christmas would be cool. Maybe next year I will visit for Christmas.

So like everynight this week there has been a val kilmer move on it makes me very happy that the Germans share my love for this man.

alright I know this was random I am just in a mood right now. I think I am going to have a cracker and go to bed.

Love you

Amanda Rae

Crazy fucking German Drivers

So today I was crossing at the crosswalk while the crossing sign was green for me and this stupid little yellow car hit me. I was so mad. So then I get to my road and who is parked there Yellow car who hit me. I don't think I have been so made in a long time. I mean if you are going to hit me at least offer to give me a ride home. JERKS.

Today was great!

I went on a grand adventure along the Rhine today thanks to Margitta who took good care of me. I met her through Tom. Tom has made my life soo great. It seems funny to think that I will probably never see him again. I ate lunch in a castle today. That was so awesome. I went all along the rhine we probably saw at least 8 castles. and a few monasteries. I got to go to a really cute Christmas town. Also we went in a cable car over yet another vineyard to another little town. I finally went to the Lorelie cliffs. Anyone who knows me well knows that the Lorelie is my favorite of all sirens. I actually learned more about one of her many stories today so that makes me super happy.

For those who don't know. My obsession with the Lorelie started early. The first perfume I ever had was a gift from my aunt and it was called obsession and had a poem on the inside of the label with a beautiful picture of Lorelie.

Turn the ocean and twist the blue
for I have found a love so true
alas my temptations he doth resist
salvation lies within the ocean mist

sexy siren of the sea Lorelie
I call to thee
Stir the storm and cast its might
my love gives up his heart tonight.

I know kind of dark and evil but I loved it and the picture of her was so beautiful. So this started me researching her. She has so many stories, some are about the cliffs, some are about the lake in the woods. I love them all. I love her her story is such a sad one, doomed forever to be alone, as dark and twisty as this sounds sometimes I feel that we are tied in this fate, always a friend never a love.

Today I got to sit on her cliffs I got to look out over her river.

I found out it is legend that the Devil himself carved those cliffs. That when he found out the gods were attempting to create such a beautiful valley he gripped on to the cliff face to hold the slate there and to this day you can see his claw marks from when the Gods finally dragged him away. But he got his cliff and he cursed her to be there forever to lure a great many to death. She even used to have whirl pools until they blasted away all of the reefs.


Anyway... That probably only interests me so I will move on.

I am thinking about riding my bike to Mainz tomorrow. It is the nearest big town. It will be about an hour ride but I think it will be worth it. I think I found a path by the river that I can take the whole way there. At least I think it goes to Mainz. I guess I will find out.

So I love being here and already I don't want July to come, but I am so lonely. I had a huge fight with one of my friends today. She was mad at me because I am having fun here and I don't miss home. But really what is there to miss. Yes I miss my family and friends, but I would miss them anyway, it wasn't like I was living with everyone. And I don't miss America. I don't have anything that is holding me home. I don't have a job, I don't have a prospect of a job, I don't have school, I don't have someone I am in love with waiting to greet me on the other side of the plane. All there is for me in America is being alone and debt. At least here I am alone in debt and have a great view!

I hope I meet more people my age. It is hard when I spend all day with teachers who are so much older than I am and students who are so much younger. I have met a couple people my age through Anna but I don't know them well yet.

Oh and I met the American Hater. She is LOADS of fun, no really I love being told how horrible i am.


So just after I write this about how I am lonely I have a great conversation with a great friend. And that conversation is what I am going to leave this off with. It is already too long but I want to have this conversation to look back on when I get sad.

Me:
I really do miss you I hope you know that, I miss talking to you.
Them:
Ditto, you kept me sane, you still keep me sane from 6000+ miles away.
Me:
You Bring me hope.
Them:
I try, hope is all anyone ever needs to keep going; hope in the smallest things can bring about the greatest happiness.
Me:
Its true and you keep me in supply, you really are one of the few people who can get to me smile a true smile.
Them: I like smiling and by the way, I have my smile back. But I miss yours and so mine isn't complete without yours.


I know it is super cheesy but it is just what I needed. Thank god for good friends. Even if I am alone I am never completely alone. I have the worlds greatest friends. This is just one of them.

Am I dreaming?

to tell you the truth I am still in the stage where I cannot believe I am actually here and that I will actually be here for a year. I went for an extra long walk today and found a new apple orchard. It was really nice. I took dad's mp3 player that he gave me as I was leaving so I walked the whole way listening to all of his favorite music. I usually only walk for about an hour along my favorite path but today I just kept walking. I was walking for about 2 hours when I decided I had better turn back. I think tomorrow I am going to take my bike because I think you can make it all the way to mainz on that trail.

I hope that everyone is doing well. It is so hard to be there for your friends in the way they need when you are across the world. I am really lucky for the friends I have. I am sorry If I am not always the friend you need.

I got to talk to Alyssa yesterday on the phone. I was glad I finally got a chance to talk to her. She isn't doing very well. I wish I could do more for her but all I could do was to call her.

My sister go the job working for the Obama campaign. I am really happy that she finally got a job. However, I have really lost all faith in our political leaders.

It looks like I am coming home for Christmas. Dad really wants me home. I am excited because I love my family, however, I am a little torn because my time here is really limited. I wish my VP wasn't an ass and this holiday had not been wasted. Stupid Jerk! But all you can do is live and make the best of it.


My abs really hurt. Since I have so much extra time on my hands I just keep working out. Yesterday at the pool I almost passed out. It wasn't good but I figure it is probably really good for me.

alright this is random and I have yet to say anything important so I am going to get going.

Hope to hear from you soon!

xoxo
ME

The next few days.

The next few days are going to be WONDERFUL!!

Today I am going to meet up with Tom at the pool. I am excited. I guess it isn't just a pool it also has a ten foot indoor climbing wall. I am super excited to check it out. It isn't very far from here so I am sure that I will be going a lot from now on I will make Anna go with me.

Tomorrow I am meeting up with Beki a language Assistant from the UK I dont know what we are going to be doing just yet but I am excited to meet another person. I guess she lives pretty close to me.

Thursday I am going to go on an adventure. I am going to go way out into the hills to see what I can find.

Sometime next week Margrate is going to take me to the Lorlie cliffs. I am super excited about that. I cannot believe I live so close to my favorite German Fairy tale!

Alright I am going to get back to cleaning. I am finally making good use of my living room. Cleaning up my bedroom so that I have a definite division in the two areas. No more computer in the bed room. That makes it too hard to sleep at night. I need it to be separate from me.

Oh and my residency came through today so I get to go pick up my official you are a German for a year stamp which means that I can now leave the country with no fears about getting back in.

Best of all I might be home for Christmas. That makes me SUPER excited. I LOVE it here but It will be nice to see the family. Funny story I have talked to Bryce I think more than anyone else. I do miss my baby. He is such a great kid.



xoxox
ME

I don't know why you think I cant see

Do I look that fucking stupid. Do you really think I have no commonfucking sense?

If you are going to try to feed me lies you need to at least try to back them up. Not wave in my face proof that you lied. I am not like the usual bimbos you surround yourself with sorry about that your weak lies wont hold. My family taught me better than to just blindly believe someone especially when all signs are pointing to your fucking bullshit.

So yes, go ahead and feel like you won one. I don't have the energy for this anymore. Alright. I will just pretend I believe your bullshit if it makes you feel better because at this point I can't think of anything that would make me feel better and at least one of us should be happy in the end right? So if I will pretend to believe one last lie from you. But this is the end. If you want to fix it you are going to have to work at it. I did my time. I held it all together, I took on the guilt, I gave you my all and I am sorry that this was never enough for you and I am sorry you worked so hard to build all these lies for me I guess I should have told you a long time ago that I knew that they were just that so you didn't have to work so hard for so long. Sorry to lead you on, i just though that in the end you would be worth it. But maybe I was wrong all along.

I never though I was one of them...

So my whole life I have enjoyed watching people. I love to see them and how they interact with their worlds. How they change the things around them or how they deal with things changing. One thing I have noticed through all of this watching is that there seems to be some people for whom things just happen. I would always love to watch their stories unfold because it seemed that no matter what they did or what actions they took the world had something else in mind for them. I always thought it would be interesting to be one of those people, a person who had things just happen to them, where things just always seemed to work out.

Yesterday night on my walk back from the birthday bash I was thinking about how I ended up here in Germany. That was when I realized that I am one of those people. I am someone who things just seem to work out for. Not all things mind you for I am still lonely and greatly struggling with a huge language barrier, but the big events that truly define a person seem to be those that just work out for me.

Take college for instance, I never wanted to go to college I had no desire for it, I never studied for my ACT and I almost in fact missed it having had stayed out too long the night before but in the end I had a huge fight with my mom and went to the first college that offered me a free application. Then I was at college, I am not a quitter so I stayed the full four years and everything just seemed to open more doors for me. I was the president of a ton of organizations and always managed to have a great E-board that took care of things for me and all i had to worry about was being the diplomat to the other organizations and to the executive offices of our school.

Then because I wanted my professor to stop bugging me I applied (and I had a rather poor application because I didn't care) for this program and now here I am in Germany. I had no where to live and my school was not replying to any of my contacts and suddenly I found a girl to take me in for free for a week. After that I found another home with all sorts of free things and a family for me.

Things seem to work out even when I have not been helping them out. I fear that because I have realized this truth things will stop working like that for me. However, if by leaving me it moves to someone else I would be just as happy. I think that life has gotten me to the point that I can take it on for a bit. I have been given more than my fair share.

It was just interesting to me that after watching this for so long it ended up that I was what had captivated me so.

alright well I am going to head to bed.

Best always

A story for the ages...

Well kids today I have a story for you. It is a grand story involving buffalo, Soul mates of the purest kind, , two grand journeys which seem to keep intertwining for eternity and a man who was made to wear mittens on his feet.

As all great stories seem to start in the same manner this story shall also begin as such, for it is one that mothers will be telling their children for all the years to come.

Once upon a time there was a girl and a boy. They had for a long time been living in the same small village however, they were completely unaware of each other. For these two though it seemed that fate and a cold snowy night had something more planed for this pair. It was the middle of a long cold and snowy winter when Marcus wandered into Amanda's life and they began what would be a lifetime adventure with each other.

Amanda had been hard at work as she usually was. When the doors burst open followed by a chill wind and a nice looking young man. The building in which Amanda worked in was large and there were frequently people coming and going. It seemed to be the center point of their small village and as such it held many amenities that the local houses could not provide, it also was well suited as a meeting point for the great many people. As it this was true Amanda did not usually take any great notice of those who came and went unless they came to her for her services. This time however, she seemed drawn to the lad who entered. She found herself staring at him as she attempted to guess his story but was quickly embarrassed when she realized she was staring and busied herself with work.

She quietly excused herself to complete the tasks that were waiting out in the cold night. She worked quickly because it was very cold out and she wished to be back in the warmth provided by the main building. While she was completing her tasks she found herself thinking about the young man. Amanda had gotten the impression that he was much more than he looked when she first saw him come through the cold night and the buildings doors and she quite enjoyed making up stories that could be about his life.

When she had completed the work that required her to be out in the cold weather she hurried back to her post inside. When she returned she found that the man she had been creating stories about was there in her work space talking to one of the other young ladies she worked with. It seemed that her friend Sharon lived in the same district as the young lad and they had become friends. Amanda at first was fairly shy not trying to pry to much into the young mans life and not wishing to ruin her own made up stories, however, quickly he pulled her into a grand conversation lasting many hours.

Amanda could not remember having such a great conversation with anyone before and she was truly sad when the young man she now knew as Marcus announced that it was time that he returned to his home. Amanda feared that this chance meeting would be the last they would ever have and was already pining for his company. She was so absorbed in this feeling of loss that she almost didn't notice his feet. This would have been tragic because it is perhaps his lack of proper shoes that truly brought these two people together. It seemed that the young Marcus was wearing shoes that would only be suitable for a warm summer walk, and not indeed for this strong winter weather.

Quickly Amanda could picture the young lad walking home and becoming ill. She could not stand for this to happen and she knew she needed to come up with some sort of solution to save him from a certain illness. She started to argue with him about the status of his shoes. He assured her that he did not live far away and would be fine, however, the though of him walking in the snow nearly brought her to tears. Finally he conceded to wait for 10 minutes while she attempted to think of a solution however, after that time he would be leaving with or without her blessings.

Amanda had a habit of staring off as she was thinking and this time that habit paid off. As she was thinking she was starting at the bin where they kept things that their patrons had forgotten and would hopefully return for. In that bin Amanda spotted a pair of large red mittens. That was just what she needed. The shoes he was wearing had a strap that separated the large toe from all the others so a mitten was just the right shape. When she returned to him with the mittens it took a bit of arguing before he finally gave up and put them on his feet. She had to admit that he looked quite silly with mittens on his feet. However, she could bare the though of him walking in the snow now for his feet would stay cozy and warm inside of the red woolen mittens.

It was several days later when the two ran into each other again. It seemed that the determination that Amanda had about her had intrigued Marcus and he wished to get to know her better as well. The two began to spend more and more of their free time in each others company until it seemed to all those around that they had for all of time been friends and would forever remain friends.

Amanda and Marcus quickly realized that they had something more than mere friendship. There was something more deeply rooted in them than just that. One night Marcus had a vivid dream which turned into a vision. In the beginning of time man and woman were one, however, in a battle of the gods they were split apart and forced to always be looking for their other half. For those who happened to be luckily enough to find their other half they could rarely completely rejoin for the gods that separated them placed a curse on them and if they couldn't find their task and complete it they would never again know the joy of being whole. It is said when you find your soul mate you will finally have the truest friend there is, many people get confused and think that being soul mates is about love but Marcus knew better thanks to his vision.

The next day Marcus told Amanda about his vision and how he felt that they were perhaps soul mates. Amanda agreed with him. She confessed that she had never felt so safe, and happy as she did when she was with him. They quickly decided they must discover what their quest was so that they could remain joined for all eternity sharing in each others joys and easing each others suffering. They consulted a great many wise men in attempts to learn what they must do however, they always returned empty handed. One night after another fruitless attempt however, Marcus received another vision. It seemed that the gods favored him and wished for him to have his other half back again. In this vision, he could see Amanda riding atop a noble steed among the mighty buffalo.

When Amanda heard this she was at first frightened. She could not afford a horse and the buffalo had all migrated years ago further west of their village, to far for a poor girl like herself to make a journey to. However, Amanda vowed that that moment that she would do whatever it took for she wished to be whole once again like in the ancient days and she dared not risk losing Marcus and the only way to ensure they would remain forever was to be joined. Amanda took on this quest.

After much searching and a long Journey Amanda came across a young buffalo who seemed to be lost. The poor soul was sick and she was not sure if he would survive. She took him in and cared for him and was able to return him to health. During the time that she was caring for him Marcus was journeying to his home village to visit his family for the festivals. She eagerly awaited his return so that she could share with him her buffalo so that they could be complete again.

When Marcus returned and found the buffalo nothing great changed. Amanda was depressed for she felt she had failed. She left on a journey to try to figure out where she went wrong. While she was gone Marcus cared for the young buffalo for it was not yet at full strength. While he was caring for the young beast he decided that it needed a name for he was tired of calling it buffalo. He decided to call the young beast Wyatt. At the moment that he first uttered the words Amanda felt something deep inside of her warm a bit, Marcus felt it as well.

Amanda was overjoyed for she knew that this somehow meant that she was once again whole that she had found and been bound to her soul mate. Their story continues until time itself runs out. Both go on grand adventures that keep them far from each other and close off all means of communication between the two however, they are alright because through it all they can feel their bit of warmth ever glowing within them. They know that no matter how long the other is gone or how far away they go they can always call them back and they will return for they are truly bound as one soul in two bodies forever blessed by the gods.

I hope you enjoyed your story. I still feel bad about the miss communication. I miss you a lot and I really do wish you had more time to drop me a hello from time to time but I am not angry when you cannot for I know that when I need you most you will find a way to be there for me, as I will always be here for you.

Just Perfect

Today I had a perfect moment. One of those times when you are completely at peace with the world and with yourself. Today after I won the battle with the German Government I went into work for a couple of hours. I left at about 1:00. I was walking home and I decided to see if I could find a short cut. What I ended up was finding a road that led down hill straight to the Rhine and that wasn't busy like the road I live on. So now Picture this,

The fall wind is gently blowing so that I feel safe and warm in my sweater. I am looking down towards the Rhine and in the hills on the other side a storm is building. The most perfect dark clouds were rolling out from the hills towards the Rhine. It was cool enough that not many people were out side and the people who were had been sticking to the main road so it was just me, the fall wind and the Rhine. It was so perfect.

If I didn't already have a cold I would have waited there for the storm to reach me. However, I am on a quest to be better before the Red wine festival.

Tomorrow Susanne's son Markus gets here. Along with his girlfriend and her parents. . It should be a good time!

So A bit more explanation about the post of me being so angry. There has been this guy. Sort of. For awhile now. And true to me I didn't tell anyone about him. Not only because that is my MO but also because we were never officially anything. And true to form I really needed us to be something more and he really just wanted to be whatever we were at what ever time it was that we were it. So that blog was about me basically laying it out we need to be or we need to not be. I cannot be alone but taken at the same time. If I am going to be alone I want to have options I didn't need a commitment. We all know I don't like to fully commit I wasn't asking him to pick just me. I just needed to be more important. Sometimes i would be. Sometimes he would be wonderful and be there when i needed but as of late aka when i left there just was no longer time for me. And if he cannot still be there for me then I need to move on. I don't need the world. I just need a few days a week, really I would have setteled for one time a week that was just for me. If my friends can do it then this person who was something somewhat more should have wanted it.

But that is the story. I feel bad because someone I love thought it was about them and were upset. Its funny because I once promised to never write when i felt things like that unless I was writing them. And I have kept that promise and I always will. I might write about it later but I will always talk to them about it first. Next time you think this is the way I feel please remember the song I gave us and then you will know that I am not worried I am and always will be waiting. You are stuck with me forever. My best friend, My brother, My soul mate.

Alright well I took some meds to knock me out and they are kicking in. I think I am going to put a full day of work in tomorrow and then i think Anna Ulrik and I are going to the Sauna they are convinced it will make me feel better!

Alright sleep well!
ME

Sorry for the confusion

Hello to all my loyal readers, although I think we are successfully down one. For all of you concerned about the last entry it was not directed at you. I have already dealt with the party responsible and while I am a bit broken because of it I have a feeling that I shall soon be far better off.

I promise I will write a good entry soon. I just need to pop off to bed. I am really tired and I am getting sick so I need to sleep. Tomorrow I try to get my German Residency for the year! Wish me luck.

Fustrated

I just need to know if you still care. I never know when I am crossing the line or not and if you are done with me then fine I will go. It will hurt like hell but I wont keep dragging you into that which you wish to be no part of. Just tell me be blunt because I cannot tell with you. You are so hot and cold. You like two fucking different people. Am I important in your life still or do you just want me to bugger off. I promise I will not ruin your name I will not tarnish your reputation I just need to know if I am wasting my time when I wonder or worry about you.

Soon to have a home!

Well I today I found a better choice than pretending to be religious. I will instead live with Susanne Frank. I will have the entire upstairs to myself with my own bathroom so she does not mind if I have guests of any gender. I can do my laundry, I will have internet, I will have tv... She seems like she is really busy. The only problem is that this means I will be pretty far away from Anna So I guess that I will just have to learn the bus system so I can still hang out with her and her friends. We are going to the movies tonight. I think we are going to go see the Finnish Tango. It should be interesting. We are either going to see that or see a movie about the mob.

I am about ready to be done with my vice principal. But I cannot be bothered to fight with him.

My kids were a riot today. They were telling me about all the things I need to do while in Germany. I also learned about the ink killer. they have a pen here that will erase all pen. I LOVED that I am going to have to buy some!

Anyways I think I am going to go take a nap. Before tonight!

Miss you mean it!

Truly I know I should not write this

Alright, the next paragraph is just one of those things that one writes in hopes that by saying it they can releive it from their system. I do not suggest that you read it because it will not be pleasant it will be tmi to the extreme so skip down to paragraph three where i will write something of some sort of intrest.

I am so in need of my can opener right now. I crave any sort of human physical contact right now. I think that it is so bad because for one I have gone for far too long without so much as even a hug and then I am soon to start my period. I am always the worst right before and right after my period. I dont really know why that is but I am sure that there is some biological reason for it. Anyways it is bad. And what is worse is that right now my only friends are highschoolers. Um sorry cant touch them that would make me a dirty old woman! I am secretly hoping that at the wine fest at the end of this month I meet someone who is my own age. I would give anything just to touch another human being right now. Everyone who knows me knows that I love to touch people, hug them, tap them while I am talking to them. Hell I love kissing, I kiss my own sorority little when there is no one else around. Touch is very important to me and  I need it so baddly right now. Alright, that is out of my system for a bit.

I really need to do laundry but I cannot find a laundrymat. This is a problem. I do not want to ask anna because her family has already been so great to me I do not want to use up more of their things. I think that tomorrow I will just buy new underwear and throw the rest away so I do not have to worry about washing them. maybe I will ask one of my professors for help. They all seem really worried about me, so maybe this will help. Or maybe I will just take everything into the shower with me. But then I will take too long of a shower and use more water adn I have no where to hang things.... this is a problem. IF anyone knows of any good laundry places in Ingelheim let me know! Maybe I will just head to the river.. but I dont want to get soap in it.... ugg Laundry sucks!

So today I met a bunch of the students... They all asked me about my boyfriend. Umm well kids I do not have one. Sorry you got a spinster for a teaching assistant. They always lost intrest in me after I answerd that question. Really I am starting to wonder if I really am ok in this world alone, maybe the kids are right and I should have someone by my side. Maybe I really cannot do it alone. it is so romantic in my town. As I walk through the streets and past the wine houses I just wish I had someone there with me.  I think that because I have always had such great friends I have never had occasion to notice how truly lonley I am. But somehow Erin getting married has thrown me for a loop, everyone I know is meeting potential mates except for me. I have never cared to. I always have had friends who give me everything that I need. But what happens when they are all married and are caring for their mate and have no more time to care for me. What do I do then 

CRAP I AM A SINGLE STRONG WOMAN I DO NOT NEED A MAN TO BE COMPLETE... right?

I am having dinner tonight at one of the houses I am looking at and then tomorrow at 2 I meet wiht the other place to decide which one I will call home for the next 10 months.  I want to stay close to Anna she is such a great friend so depending on where the second one is I think I have made up my mind. Although I am getting tired of walking an hour to work everyday and this is only the second day. Maybe when I stop going for 2 hour walks every night that will get better. However, I dont think I will ever be done walking around this place and if I do then the train is right here and I can explore elsewhere.

alright I am going to go write an email to my mum. 

Love you all

xoxo

Me

Where to start?

So much has happend folks. I dont even really know what is going on anymore. I think I have a place to live, however, I feel a bit bad becuase I have to pretend to be a christian to live there but that is the only way to find an affordable place in the good part of town. ALso they have a guest room so that if my firends come to visit they can still stay. I meet my principal tomorrow. Anna saved my life she has taken me in and showed me around. I went to a festival the past two nights and we went to a party and I have met so many people. They all refer to me as The American Dream, or as Annas American, I am no longer Amanda. it makes me laugh. I think the only thing that would be better was if I had someone to share it wiht. I think I demand too much. There are no medium guys. I dont want marriage but I do want some mogonomy. I want a guy that will travel the world with me and be willing to do crazy stuff and to convince me to be just as crazy. maybe this will help me grow a bit and when I get back I will be ready to settle.  Everything is going so fast yet so slow. Anna really is wonderful but it is a bit odd that I hang out with highschoolers. I think her brother would show me around but his girlfriend does not seem to like me. I think she is worried that the American will put moves on her man. Who knows. Sorry about the typing this is a German Mac so the keys are all over the place and I refuse to hunt and peck so I am trying ot lean a new set up. I walked to my school today so I would know how to find it on Monday it is about an hour walk but allong the way it is so beautiful! I love the castles one can find on all the mountians and hills around here. This really is a dream. Thank you Marcus for not letting me be stupid! Even if things were rough they seem to be smoothing out now! Alright I need to get going I want to get another walk in before dark. I have already walked most of the day but there is so much and I want to find the fastest way to the rhine. Maybe I will climb bismark tower again. It is in the center of one of the vineyards and you can see all of Ingelheim from it. Alright I am alive and I  miss you like crazy and I wont forget about the letters I owe!

My soul mate saved my soul!

So probably the first positive thing that has happened here is a direct result of my Soul Mate. And when I say that I do not mean like love no no we were not destined for that but for something much better. Anyway back to the story So my school wont contact me and I cannot find an apartment so as of tomorrow I was looking at being homeless because orientation is about to be over and they are throwing us out after that. But luckily my dear wonderful great S.M. informed me about couch surfing. This great thing where you sleep on someones sofa for a night. Well this great 10 year old girl is opening her house for me. She is going to pick me up feed me and show me around town (going way above and beyond) and no she is actually talking to some of her friends because she things that one of them is looking for a flat mate! OH MY GOD it is heaven! I might cry from joy I have never been so happy about anything in my life. I only have a little time before my next meeting but I wanted to get that out because I think I am going to turn in early tonight and thus I will not be able to write more. I just wanted to world to know that Marcus Schwimmer is my personal saint and I hope that good karma is now flowing his way!

would you all be disapointed

i think i might get sent home because i am not prepared for this would you all forgive me? i shall be talking to the people tonight about my status. I just don't know what is going on anymore. Everyone here has lived in Germany before for at least a year on study. I CANT BELIEVE IT some program for people who have never traveled. I have never been so scared or alone in my life. Oh and being poor sucks. I have no money and my school isn't replying to me at all. A ton of the people here are staying with someone from their school for the first bit until they can afford a place to live and my schools seems to have just forgotten about me. SUPER... NOT Alright well Here is the update of happier things...

So far Germany looks a lot like Michigan only it has way older buildings and cathedrals. I think you would love the place we are staying for orientation. We are in an old monastery and the cathedral is attached. It is funny because we all though we were out in the middle of no where in the woods and today a few of us discovered a door which we went through and suddenly we were in a little town. It very much felt like Alice in Wonderland but we wandered around for a bit out in the real world since we had been so secluded for so long. I have a great picture of the cows in front of our cathedral so as soon as i remember to take my camera with me when i have time to get on the internet I will send it out.

Other than that It is hopeless.. I think that if i do get sent home I may make my flight for like a week late and just hike back to the airport because I am not going to lie the view is worth it. if I didn't have to do all this technical stuff I would be SET.. I just wish I had my super traveler Buddie here to help me make sense of it all. I think that I would be able to handle this all much more if I were not alone.

alright well I am going to go finish an email home and then hit the books for more fun trying to better learn the language! Love you and Miss you... especially you!

xoxo

ME

Ps Germans just do xx not xoxo the only send kisses not hugs.

Day two of Deutschland

Well kids here is the update...

I am the only person here who has never lived in Germany before. Really? And I cannot speak a speck of the language which is quickly becoming a problem at orientation! They are none too pleased with me. I am trying to stay low on the radar so they don't send me home but we will see what happens. I still have not secured an apartment and my school wont write me back. It is making me angry, all the other students have schools that have found them apartments or are letting the students live with them until they find a place there are even 5 students who have had their schools buy them bikes. I just don't know what to do. Things are going crazy.

In case I forgot to tell you as of next week I will be living in Ingelheim am Rhein. Yes that is right I am on the Rhein, that is the best news ever for you all know the calming qualities water has on me.

Anyway I am super tired and our day starts early tomorrow for more orientation fun while they speak german at me and i pretend to understand what they are saying. Ok I understand some of it but not a whole lot which is still a problem. Well I digress and the point is I am going to go get some sleep.

I Love you and wish me luck!

I am on my first step.

Well kids I am here in my hostile in Germany. Scary times let me tell you what. Luckily I found some fellows who brought me to this safe haven and tomorrow we leave for orientation. However, I have my doubts if they will let me stay. My German is CRAP I cannot talk to anyone here. It is bad news. So far I have had my new friends to take care of me but in 4 days I am on my own and I don't know if the head honchos will go for that so much. Oh god it is beautiful here. I have been doing alright yesterday saying goodbye to the parents almost killed me I love my family so much and we have had such a great summer of connecting I can hardly handle being this far away from them. It is funny I am eating dinner and they are not even having lunch yet. There are a few people I have met from the program who I am really starting to like. They are so chill for sure Jason from Michigan and L (I cant remember her full name but it rocks) from California are way fun everyone else seems a bit prissy but the three of us are super chill! Oh I had a meltdown on the long plane because I lost my mp3 player which is full of music from my dad. But I got over it fast and searched the fucking plane until I found what I was looking for. It is currently 5:20 here in Germany on Sunday and I am SOOO tired. I woke up at 5 am on Saturday for the flying fun and I am still running but soon I am going to shower and head to bed. Oh I guess I lied because today while we were waiting for it to be late enough to check in I did fall asleep in the town center and was accosted by a 12 foot clown I learned my lesson about sleeping in public!! Alright tomorrow starts another busy busy day so I am going to go take my shower and get ready for bed.. I know I know it is only 5pm but i have jet lag so cut me some slack and I will be reading before bed so that isn't too terrible. Alright Catch you on the flip side..


Love your wayward friend.

Amanda Rae

I will miss you

I leave tomorrow. This is my last post from the united states. I don't think I can carry this bag... that is a problem but I guess I will just build muscles while I sleep because I cant cut anything and in fact I need to add things.. SUPER wish me well I will miss you.

Well Fuck

I'm not going to lie I just added the fuck in because I posted a disclaimer that this blog may contain adult content and I wanted to live up to that disclaimer.

Today was actually a fairly good day. I have continued to clean up and pack away all my things that are not making it across the ocean with me. I think I have now gotten everything sorted and I can actually start to pack my bag. I picked my god sister up from school today because it was raining and she asked me if I were excited. I told her not really, at first she was confused and then she looked at me and was like I understand that... the truth of the matter is that I am just going to continue to live I am not changing my life just my location which as of late I do all the time. So the only thing I am worried about is being able to carry enough stuff with me to survive. I know the backpack I have is WAY to large for me and actually backpackers are going to make jokes at my expense for obviously I have no idea what I am doing however, the truth is that all i need to do is move enough stuff to work and play across many nations and find a place to live so who cares. I hope that I can start backpacking for I will be in a beautiful place but I have decided not to care what backpackers think of me. I asked about 10 of them for help and they snubbed me so fuck them I will do this the Sherwood way. GO TEAM SHERWOOD (we have our own handshake for any one who wanted to know it is really cool we call it the hurricane.)

Oh and excitement... My dad might make it back in time to say good bye again! I cant tell you how happy that would make me. One of my good friends told me awhile ago that they would try to make it but I think they have forgotten. I don't really mind if they cant or even if they don't want to but it always makes me sad when people say they will try and then just forget about it. I always expect the worse so people cannot let me down until they start making arrant promises. But as I said I always expect the worse so I have just decided that there is no way I will see them again before I leave and if they do make it it will be one of the best surprises of my life!

Alright well there is only an hour before Meme and Papa get here so I guess I should get dressed and try to pick up a little more of the house.

Live your life as only you can for the truth of the matter is that only you can live it.

So much to do and so little time

My life is currently a mess I have things scattered everywhere... not good not good at all. I have tomorrow to sort it all out and my family is not helping much. I love them dearly but they all need something from me and I just don't have the time. I have to finish moving all of my stuff out of the way and well pack all that I can into my backpack because as of Friday I leave the Sherwood Shire for at the very least 10 good long months and most likely a good deal longer.

I had a thought today not a pretty though but a thought... what do female backpackers do when they get their periods? I ask because about the first week I am in Germany I should start mine and that is when I am homeless. I truly am concerned about this I mean what does one do when their insides are flushing in a very horrid manner and they run the risk of TSS?

Anyway this blog is partly dedicated to a very good friend who I want to remind always that they should only ever be living for one person and that is themselves. Don't get bogged down by others expectations for you truly have more than enough for yourself. Just think if I listened to what everyone though I should do I would never have gotten my first kiss and then I would be a 22 almost 23 year old hag who was still wondering what it was like to kiss someone. Now instead I know, I love to kiss people, and I am not afraid to do so.

Alright I really am going to go to bed now. The plan is to read for an hour and then get up bright and early so I can hopefully finish off my stuff and clean this house one last time before I continue on.

Remember no matter what there is always another adventure waiting for you, and if you cant find it just stop looking and it will find you. For as pooh found out while looking for home all he could find was the sand pit but when he went in search of the sand pit he finally found his way home.

a tiny itty bitty bit

Friends....

I don't ever think that I will truly understand my friends. It seems to the friends that I am the greatest to, that I treat best they don't really care, but the friends who get way less attention are better, they truly and honestly care about me. I think it be time that I reverse those in my life. Time I start treating my great friends as the friends i treat greatly. I mean I love my friends and I mean all of them it just seems that I am always putting more time in to the ones that don't ever put the time into me. I think that the reason for that is that the friends that are just great understand that I don't have a ton of time as I likewise recognize in them so we are good we are there when the other needs us but we can go for a long time without each other and when we come back it is still just as wonderful. But with my other friends because they don't seem to care as much I feel like I have to work harder and do more for them, the don't ever make me feel like I have done enough to reward them while my other friends are just so happy that we can spend time or talk that they don't make me feel like I have to actually work to keep them around. I got to talk to James again tonight. I love that no matter how random I am or what crazy thing I say he never makes me feel like I am stupid. with some of my friends I really do feel like I have to watch everything I say or they will just write me off as a silly girl but i have a few who know I am more than the random things I say and a few who love the random things I say. It feels so weird to me that I am not at school and I still have friends. I actually really like this feeling. I am not really usually good at keeping friends but Erin has taught me the way. I am so lucky to have met her.

Anyways,

I went shopping today for some of the stuff I need for Deustchland and I got some really cute clothes and drop dead boots! I am so excited. I think I am going to cheat and wear my purple dress and new boots on Thursday to meet up with my Grandparents. I really hate the bye part of Goodbye. I don't know if I can say bye to my papa. I had to say bye to my dad this morning. That was easier than it should have been because it was like 4 am he came in and woke me up to give me a hug good bye. I know that when I realize that was my real good bye to him I am probably going to cry. But for now I am just trying to upload some pictures so I can clear off my camera.


Have a great night

xoxox
Me

Driving myself crazy

I just need to be there, I know I don't really have a there to be but anything is better than limbo. My dad just makes fun of me and my mom is non present, all my friends are working, on their honeymoon or at school, I am sitting alone just wishing it would come. I don't know what to do with myself. Right now I am not worried with what will happen to me because there is no changing what has not happened, however, I know that deep down I am totally scared. How can people be so brave, how can they just leave everything they have ever known and be in a place where no one is looking for them, no one knows them and where they have nothing.

alright, I just did some Yoga and I am calmed down a good bit. I wonder will I find a great adventure or only great hardship, will I make friends or am i doomed to be a loner? Right now what I really need to hear is for someone I trust to tell me that it will be alright, but instead everyone is just laughing that I am worried. I am sorry that we don't all innately have great courage but I have been doing the best I can to mock great courage and sometimes I just need someone to tell me it will be alright, that even if it isn't what I thought it will be something else and that will be alright too, but instead I get laughed at (which isn't a confidence builder) or I have people tell me not to go. How could I not go? Even if I die on the plane it is a new experience and I should not deny myself of that, so here is to no backing out or giving in, now someone please hold me and tell me it will be OK!

and she always slept with a packed suitcase under her bed... just in case

Tonight was a great night. I was half levitated across a bridge ( I weighted too much to cross it myself so the wizard had to help but I was too heavy for her to just float me she could only support 3/4 of my weight)I killed a death knight, was enlarged to 13 feet tall and 880lbs covered myself in the ecto-plasma of the banshee I killed and ran while enraged into certain death only to be converted as a squire to the black knight I would say I went out with a bang. I also said good night to two of the guys that I have known since preschool, since they were about 12. It was oddly hard, I mean Really until this summer I have not seen these people in like 4 years but I have also always known they would be there for me. I mean Jeff who lived in AA was always my secret backup plan I knew that if I got in too deep he could save me. I almost had to call him over the huge debacle I got myself into that night, luckily for him he fell asleep and I got out the window because if I had had to call Jeff that probably would have been his last night alive. Anyways i digress, getting back on point it was weird for while never seeing these individuals they were always my safety net, I am suddenly sans safety net.

Anyways what this whole safety net thing brings me to is back to the title. I Think it was my first grad teacher who said those words in the title to me. We were talking just two days ago
about her mother, she went to pick her mother up for a day of fun, not sure if her mother would want to go on a surprise trip but then chastising herself for truly for their whole life her mother has kept a packed back under her bed for just in case. I have always lived by the idea that I could leave everything I owned behind except for what would fit in a farmer Jacks paper bag, I have known forever that the contents of such is all that I would need to make it but I have never before tested that I had just known. Now I am testing that theory. And you know what I CAN DO IT. Kevin I will live up to your expectations.

A sexy man to bring me drinks and make out with

That was my answer when my aunt asked me if I had any requests for my going away party. The truth is my request is not to have one. I dont like going away parties they mean people are going to be sad, dont be sad, life is meant to happen, if i were not going to germany i would be gone somewhere else. My fate right now is to not be here there is no changing fate. However, I do have to say I wouldn't mind if Fate wanted to give me someone anytime soon. I think that even though I am trying to be a good strong sane individual about this whole gone for a year thing it would be much eaiser if I knew there would be someone who was dramatically effected by it as I am going to be. I mean I know that sounds selfish but I guess it is. I know that Everyone I am leaving behind will move on, their lives do not in any matter rely upon me and I wish that I had someone who was truly going to be changed and would truly be counting down the days until they got to see me again. The truth is that it hurts a little bit that I am sitll sooo alone. I guess this is what you get when the first person you allow yourself to have caposity to love is never intrested so you just waste that potential. I know I do this to myself. I am so closed off but really what i need is someone to fight for me becuase if they are not willing to fight for me I know they will not be willing to fight for a future of usness. I mean I am a difficult person and I know this but I also know that i give in and if I find someone willing to fight back I know I will have someone who matters. Really when 8 days away from leaving forever who analyzes their lack of love life? Oh bother.... A fly cant bird but a bird can fly......

Alright I am going to go to the store to return some popcans so I can buy some shampoo and then I am going to clean the house. My cousins get back tomorrow and I want them to have a nice home to come back to... I may even make cookies! Take care of yourselves!

xoxo

ME

So last night I had a dream.. it was a musical?

Last night I had a really weird dream. It started out with some weird church thing being hosted in my dads office so I was only a little bit away from it sleeping in my bed. There were other people with me in my bed a couple of guys a couple of girls and Erin. We were trying to be respectful of this church thing but these weird symbols kept appearing on my windowsill. We decided to crack the code I figured out the first few and after that one of the guys finished. I don't remember what it said the next thing I remember was that we were talking to the preacher and then transported into the new colonies. This was where it turned into a musical. All of us that had been friends were suddenly torn apart and it seemed that I was the only one who was still fighting for our friendship. I was the greatest outcast in the group but slowly I went through and made them remember who we were. I almost lost the last person but right before I woke up I got to see that they truly did remember us and what we were even if they couldn't act upon it. Really who dreams in Musical?

I really wish i had not seen anyone this past weekend. I was ready to leave them all behind but the fact that even after I had pushed them all out of my life they still love me makes it hard to know that I will not even be living in the same country as them. I know it seems odd that I am so stuck to people. Amanda Sherwood has finally learned to care about other people and now she is hating life because of it.The worst of it was my fam. Erin, Robert, Randy, Hayley, Kathy, and Marcus. I forget how much I really do love them when we are apart but as soon as we are together again I cannot remember why it is that I ever let them out of my life.

I leave soon, really soon.

Alright I have to go There is so much more on my mind but I have to go finish my mom's classroom.

xoxox

Me

Time to keep growing up

Coming to Adrian was both a really great thing and a really bad thing. I am obviously really happy to be here for Erin's wedding. Also I love that I am getting to see people I didn't think I would again. However, I don't know if seeing them is such a great thing. I spent all summer removing myself from my associations, I worked hard to make it so that I didn't need the people I had grown to depend upon. However, now that I am here and seeing all of them I worry that I am going to grow to miss them again. It has been really great to see Marcus. I forget when he is not around that he has the ability to just calm me. I know that sounds odd but I am almost always worrying about things and the spirit that he has is at its core a very tranquil place and I get glimmers of that every now and again and it helps me to let go.

I have to say I will not miss the stress here at Adrian. I went to see Kathy this morning and I am a little worried that she is going to have a major melt down. All of my friends are the same way, everyone seems so worked up. I wish that I had a way to show them that none of this really matters. WHo you are in college as long as you get a degree and don't get a STD will just wash away. It is so akin to high school. You get a total redo when you graduate. The only difference for me so far has been that I am actually attempting to hold on to some of the friends I met in college which I didn't do at all after High school.

Alright well I am going to go take a nap before I track down Hayley and Randy I think we might get together at Kathy's tonight. The rest of this post is something that i just need to get out of my head so if you are not me and you are for some reason reading this the below is just nonsense.

I had lunch with Mandy Burke today. It was a good lunch we got to talk a lot about things that we both never dealt with. Mandy was with me for an emergency call last year. Last year was a rough one for me people kept trying to die while I was with them and Mandy and I actually had a kid stop breathing twice. The other person who was there actually went to the school counselor for help which was important because he is so very hard on himself and if he didn't have someone he would never have been able to forgive himself. However, Neither Mandy or I ever really talked to anyone about it. I mean we both gave our generic version but we never went into detail about what happened and mostly what happened when we were each alone. You see there was a great deal of time that I was left alone with the emergency and then she was left alone with it at the hospital. We got on the topic of it because it came up during her training. While we were talking about it I got goosebumps. I am really still all messed up from all the events of last year but that was by far the worst. It is made worse because the person I was counting on helping it all be ok was too shaken up to offer me help. I am still drawn to this person in a bad way because I am still searching for help. I never really realized that fact before that I was still looking for someone to help me deal with it but it makes sense. He was the only other one there and while he wasn't there for the part that is the worst for me there is still a connection and I am still looking for him to make it all alright. I know that is terribly weak of me but I have never had to deal with things. Usually when thing happen instead of dealing with them I just push them to the side and they just fade away but I sill have night terrors every now and again about what happened that night. Talking to Mandy about it was very helpful it was nice to hear a bit about what happened to her after I went home and she went to the hospital. Just to know it really was that bad and it really is ok that I am not completely over it all just yet. Maybe just maybe I am still a sane person.

In Adrian...

Well friend, I am officially in Adrian gearing up for Erin's wedding. Also I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT is going on. Who knew it would be so great to sit in a room with one of my best friends and just not talk. Oh my god I love this feeling of normal. Oh the little things in life do make me happy. Speaking of happy today I saw Anthony Chambers.. Who would have guessed I would run into him. He was so cute he ran up to me gave me a huge hug picked me up and didn't stop hugging me until I couldn't breathe. It was super nice I have missed him. I also ran into James and Andrew it is nice Marcus Fucking Schwimmer I hate your fucking guts. Alright just kidding. SO today getting ready for the wedding, hopefully tomorrow seeing jeff and getting a good dinner. Figure out where in Germany I will be living, find out where I will be working, sleep a bit. Oh and write a letter for the parents because Thursday I have parent open house. Alright.. Well I am going to get going and enjoy the normalcy that has been long missing in my life. Thank god at this moment for Marcus Schwimmer because his stress calms me down!

Please remind me to breathe.

SO much So fast. I guess I should start out by saying I never thought it would happen. I was sure that I was going to be moving next month to live with Brittany Zeiter and that was what my plan was. I didn't think that at the last moment this would really happen. I mean who am I? I am a no one. I went to a stupid college and never really tried I just did the bare minimum to get past. I am a poor white girl from the bible belt who was destined to work at a menial job for the rest of her life because the only person she allowed herself to love would never be able to love the person that she was. There are so many people out there who should have this and I was never on that list. But it seems as if someone has given up their bit of fate for me. Thank you so much whoever you are because even though I have never been more scared of anything in my life I have also never felt like there were so many possibilities before me. I don't know what this adventure shall bring to me. So far the only certain thing is that on September 6th 2008 at 10 am I will be leaving the United States of America and at 10:18 am on September 7th 2008 I will be finding my way to the bus station in Cologne to find a nice corner to sleep in until sometime on the 8th I catch a bus to an unknown city. There is so much to do between now and then however, first I have to get Erin Married. I mean someone needs to take care of her while I am gone. After that I need to finish off my mom's classroom and greet the parents so that she can pick up my cousins and then I will disappear I will have no phone, no address and no computer for god knows how long. Oh and I will only have about 200 euros to my name. I hope that my best friend doens't let me down because I think that the only thing that is going to keep me going is knowing I will get to see him at Christmas. It would be our second christmas together. And it seems fitting that since last time he hosted me I should host him. There is so much going through my head right now I cant even write it... I am going to go take some meds and catch some shut eye.


Love much and Keep Dreaming because sometimes it really does work out!

xoxoxo

ME

she made me a believer

So today I had a free massage because my friend's mother is taking classes and needs to practice. It was wonderful! However, she was one of those energy people. You know the crazy people who believe, one that we all have a unique energy and two that they can help to adjust it. However, Let me say she made a believer out of me. That is right folks. before she started I could feel her feel my aura, which she states is doing well and that i tend to project about 10 inches outward of myself. So that is my bubble 10 inches around my being. So we moved in to the massage which was wonderful! and then she ended by balancing my poles she opened my chakras. Now this is where I used to think people just made it up but when I used my good yoga skills and shut down my inner voice I could actually feel her, she was so bright and so safe. I just opened up and let her in and I feel great. She left a bit of whatever that was inside me and I feel more alive. She said to me that too often it is easy to only think of the bad but when we do that is all the universe hears so it is all it sends. I started sending a new message while she helped open me up and as Corny as it sounds at this moment I am more at peace than I think I have ever been before. I believe there may be something to this energy thing I mean it makes sense people have been saying it for years what you put out is what you get back. I am so grateful that she helped me to find a bit of peace in this crazy time. Anyway. I am going to go open the pool in case Faren decides to swim and then I am going to take the dog for a run in the woods. Later

I want the waiting to be over

I am getting so upset with this whole Germany thing. As soon as it seems like it is a waste of hope something works out but then it seems like five other things go wrong before I can even fully enjoy everything going right. I just need to know. I cant stand this limbo. Everyone i know is getting ready to go back to school or start their new jobs or get married. They all have some sort of forward trajection and I am just stuck here doing nothing. It is starting to eat at me a bit. I do have to say I have a whole new love for thoes friends that stick ever by. I do not know what I would do if i didn't get that phone call or message from them every now and again. It helps alot, and it really suprizes me who have given me the most this past summer.
I took the dog for a walk in the river yesterday. And yes I do mean IN the river. It was nice. I forgot how calming the water can be. It washes away the worries that plague a person. My dog is such a gomer, he loves to swim but only in the river. He looks so funny with his head bearly above the current. I think we will go again tomorrow. We would have today but I took him to the park to play frisbee and he nearly died he is currently under the table sleeping.
I had a dream last night that my parents and aunt died while sailing. I had to take on the house payments and take care of my god sister. It was really really weird. But i was glad that i did the right thing. I mean I cant think of what would happen to her if she had to move back in with her mother.
I am super bummed out becuase Marcus said he had written me but it has been over a week now and still no letter. I think he is about done with me. I need to call Erin and Brittany today. that is my top proirty. Well anyway I think I should be going now, I have a few things I need to get done, not important things just things my dad needs to have done before he gets back from sailing. I think I will also clean the stove again.


Ps I hate that excuse that I am too difficult. I am lonely and I really liked us I want you back in my life. And I am not difficult all the time, I know that I am not impossible to love please just try a little bit harder and I will try as well.

Up to three months

Did you know that an American citizen can live in Germany for 90 days before they need to get a visa? isn't that crazy. Things are starting to work out and now if i can only get them to send me my tickets I will be in Germany next month. How scary is that. I am going to a place where no one is waiting for me where they are expecting some English assistant who can speak fluently two languages and instead they are going to have little ol Amanda Sherwood. I don't know how this is going to turn out but I am sure it is going to be one hell of an adventure. I am thinking about getting one of those carbon notebooks so that when I write letters to people I can have the copy to save as sort of my own journal. Well I continue to hold my breath in hopes that all of this will work out in the long run but if not I am not that worried. I have plenty of people to help me put a new life together if this doesn't work out and I am sure that I can count on them for that. Off to call the travel agent again.

I have decided I just dont care....

Well boys and girls,

Gather round for I have a tale for ye.


And basically to sum up that tale... I don't care. Very quickly I was forced to make a plan. I don't really like this at all. So I gave it a lot more though and the truth is that the one thing I really want to do is to have someone think that their life is a little better because of me. Thats right I found a dream, really I always had it it was just a bit perverted. Now however, I understand what my heart has been telling me. Find love and Change someones life for the better. I am not sure I can accomplish the first but let me tell you what try to stop me from doing the second. No matter where I am I can make a difference. That is all I want. Who cares if i am poor, this is brought about because when I was thinking about being a wilderness first responder everyone told me i would make no money, I DONT CARE ABOUT MONEY. I just want to help people. That I can do anywhere at anytime with any amount of money. Thats it i have been driving myself crazy because I have had nothing to drive me and here it was all i wanted was to help. So I am going to. I am still trying to work out going to Germany. It seems to be a fight but if that doesn't work out my friend BZ said I could live with her. Now that I have a plan for next month I can get back to being me and helping others.... Thats it thats all. I have found myself again and I am actually happy.

Sometimes one must wonder why they are...

And truthfully I have no idea why I am...

It was the morning that Thanksgiving break started and Steve and I were laying in bed watching the snow fall through his single tiny window. I asked him “please answer honestly, what makes you happy, what dream do you have that keeps you going when things are bad?” He answered me, he told me. He told me everything he had a huge plan, he had a great dream and that dream is what kept him going. Then he turned to me and asked me what I was so scared of, he asked me “what kept me going? What made me happy, what was my dream?” I turned away from him in the guise of thinking. I began to cry so softly that he couldn’t hear because in truth the answer was I had no idea. I made up something for him so that he wouldn’t know how empty I was I told him my only dream was to be loved and to love back. Truth is that I do want that, but I don’t think I am capable of that the truth is that I have no idea what it is that I want. I have nothing inside of me driving me to live.

In Elementary school I did what I felt would make my Dad proud. I was living for him. In High school I was doing what I could to make my oldest sister proud. I was living the life that she would have if she were me. I went to college because my mom wanted me to I wanted to do something for her because I had been such a hard teenager to live with. I got to college and I suddenly was left fulfilling any thing I could for my “friends and professors”. I wanted to help anyone I could in any way I could. I would put off everything in my life if only someone asked me and said it would help them.

Now I find myself weeks away from leaving the country and I don’t want to. Why am I leaving I am leaving because it was what my professors wanted. Not what I want. What I want is to figure out who I am and I don’t know that I will be able to do that while I am fulfilling someone else’s dream. I don’t think I will find myself while I am working as hard as I can to survive in a completely new situation. I have also found that the number of people standing by me while I go through this is small enough to count on one hand and have some fingers left over. How can I have devoted 22 years to helping everyone around me putting off figuring out who I am to help others find themselves and now when I finally need someone there are so few to stand beside me and hold me when I am too unsteady to stand by myself.

I know I make it hard for people to care about me because I am so worried about hurting me. But there are many who know the truth is that if you just push a little I cave in and open myself completely. I really do want to be loved but I don’t just give it out. If you just give your love you are hurt to a lesser extent but way more often. If I am going to allow myself to be hurt I deserve to be hurt and badly because it was stupid of me to let someone in who would later use it against me. All I know right now as at the time I need to be alone the least most everyone is content with me pulling away. Why is it when others tried to distance themselves I give it my all to not let them try to take it all on alone, yet when I do people can’t be bothered to make the effort? I always felt like it was alright that I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted because I had enough people in my life to make up for it. I could be the wandering idiot that only did what others needed done but now, now when they have all fled me because I finally need something in return I am not so sure about life anymore. Now all I know is that I set myself up for a huge fall and I don’t have enough people around to help soften the landing. I am scared of crushing those who have stood by me.

I know that this sounds truly bleak. The truth stands however, that in order to figure out what it is that I need to I must become comfortable with what I currently am. Having said it out loud I see how much I have wasted my life. I have in sorts freed myself to move on, to move past this person that I was and to morph into the person I can be. Yes it will take me time to find that person but now I have allowed myself to move past the past and I can truly live in the now and push forward looking for my individual future.