Driving myself crazy

I just need to be there, I know I don't really have a there to be but anything is better than limbo. My dad just makes fun of me and my mom is non present, all my friends are working, on their honeymoon or at school, I am sitting alone just wishing it would come. I don't know what to do with myself. Right now I am not worried with what will happen to me because there is no changing what has not happened, however, I know that deep down I am totally scared. How can people be so brave, how can they just leave everything they have ever known and be in a place where no one is looking for them, no one knows them and where they have nothing.

alright, I just did some Yoga and I am calmed down a good bit. I wonder will I find a great adventure or only great hardship, will I make friends or am i doomed to be a loner? Right now what I really need to hear is for someone I trust to tell me that it will be alright, but instead everyone is just laughing that I am worried. I am sorry that we don't all innately have great courage but I have been doing the best I can to mock great courage and sometimes I just need someone to tell me it will be alright, that even if it isn't what I thought it will be something else and that will be alright too, but instead I get laughed at (which isn't a confidence builder) or I have people tell me not to go. How could I not go? Even if I die on the plane it is a new experience and I should not deny myself of that, so here is to no backing out or giving in, now someone please hold me and tell me it will be OK!

and she always slept with a packed suitcase under her bed... just in case

Tonight was a great night. I was half levitated across a bridge ( I weighted too much to cross it myself so the wizard had to help but I was too heavy for her to just float me she could only support 3/4 of my weight)I killed a death knight, was enlarged to 13 feet tall and 880lbs covered myself in the ecto-plasma of the banshee I killed and ran while enraged into certain death only to be converted as a squire to the black knight I would say I went out with a bang. I also said good night to two of the guys that I have known since preschool, since they were about 12. It was oddly hard, I mean Really until this summer I have not seen these people in like 4 years but I have also always known they would be there for me. I mean Jeff who lived in AA was always my secret backup plan I knew that if I got in too deep he could save me. I almost had to call him over the huge debacle I got myself into that night, luckily for him he fell asleep and I got out the window because if I had had to call Jeff that probably would have been his last night alive. Anyways i digress, getting back on point it was weird for while never seeing these individuals they were always my safety net, I am suddenly sans safety net.

Anyways what this whole safety net thing brings me to is back to the title. I Think it was my first grad teacher who said those words in the title to me. We were talking just two days ago
about her mother, she went to pick her mother up for a day of fun, not sure if her mother would want to go on a surprise trip but then chastising herself for truly for their whole life her mother has kept a packed back under her bed for just in case. I have always lived by the idea that I could leave everything I owned behind except for what would fit in a farmer Jacks paper bag, I have known forever that the contents of such is all that I would need to make it but I have never before tested that I had just known. Now I am testing that theory. And you know what I CAN DO IT. Kevin I will live up to your expectations.

A sexy man to bring me drinks and make out with

That was my answer when my aunt asked me if I had any requests for my going away party. The truth is my request is not to have one. I dont like going away parties they mean people are going to be sad, dont be sad, life is meant to happen, if i were not going to germany i would be gone somewhere else. My fate right now is to not be here there is no changing fate. However, I do have to say I wouldn't mind if Fate wanted to give me someone anytime soon. I think that even though I am trying to be a good strong sane individual about this whole gone for a year thing it would be much eaiser if I knew there would be someone who was dramatically effected by it as I am going to be. I mean I know that sounds selfish but I guess it is. I know that Everyone I am leaving behind will move on, their lives do not in any matter rely upon me and I wish that I had someone who was truly going to be changed and would truly be counting down the days until they got to see me again. The truth is that it hurts a little bit that I am sitll sooo alone. I guess this is what you get when the first person you allow yourself to have caposity to love is never intrested so you just waste that potential. I know I do this to myself. I am so closed off but really what i need is someone to fight for me becuase if they are not willing to fight for me I know they will not be willing to fight for a future of usness. I mean I am a difficult person and I know this but I also know that i give in and if I find someone willing to fight back I know I will have someone who matters. Really when 8 days away from leaving forever who analyzes their lack of love life? Oh bother.... A fly cant bird but a bird can fly......

Alright I am going to go to the store to return some popcans so I can buy some shampoo and then I am going to clean the house. My cousins get back tomorrow and I want them to have a nice home to come back to... I may even make cookies! Take care of yourselves!

xoxo

ME

So last night I had a dream.. it was a musical?

Last night I had a really weird dream. It started out with some weird church thing being hosted in my dads office so I was only a little bit away from it sleeping in my bed. There were other people with me in my bed a couple of guys a couple of girls and Erin. We were trying to be respectful of this church thing but these weird symbols kept appearing on my windowsill. We decided to crack the code I figured out the first few and after that one of the guys finished. I don't remember what it said the next thing I remember was that we were talking to the preacher and then transported into the new colonies. This was where it turned into a musical. All of us that had been friends were suddenly torn apart and it seemed that I was the only one who was still fighting for our friendship. I was the greatest outcast in the group but slowly I went through and made them remember who we were. I almost lost the last person but right before I woke up I got to see that they truly did remember us and what we were even if they couldn't act upon it. Really who dreams in Musical?

I really wish i had not seen anyone this past weekend. I was ready to leave them all behind but the fact that even after I had pushed them all out of my life they still love me makes it hard to know that I will not even be living in the same country as them. I know it seems odd that I am so stuck to people. Amanda Sherwood has finally learned to care about other people and now she is hating life because of it.The worst of it was my fam. Erin, Robert, Randy, Hayley, Kathy, and Marcus. I forget how much I really do love them when we are apart but as soon as we are together again I cannot remember why it is that I ever let them out of my life.

I leave soon, really soon.

Alright I have to go There is so much more on my mind but I have to go finish my mom's classroom.

xoxox

Me

Time to keep growing up

Coming to Adrian was both a really great thing and a really bad thing. I am obviously really happy to be here for Erin's wedding. Also I love that I am getting to see people I didn't think I would again. However, I don't know if seeing them is such a great thing. I spent all summer removing myself from my associations, I worked hard to make it so that I didn't need the people I had grown to depend upon. However, now that I am here and seeing all of them I worry that I am going to grow to miss them again. It has been really great to see Marcus. I forget when he is not around that he has the ability to just calm me. I know that sounds odd but I am almost always worrying about things and the spirit that he has is at its core a very tranquil place and I get glimmers of that every now and again and it helps me to let go.

I have to say I will not miss the stress here at Adrian. I went to see Kathy this morning and I am a little worried that she is going to have a major melt down. All of my friends are the same way, everyone seems so worked up. I wish that I had a way to show them that none of this really matters. WHo you are in college as long as you get a degree and don't get a STD will just wash away. It is so akin to high school. You get a total redo when you graduate. The only difference for me so far has been that I am actually attempting to hold on to some of the friends I met in college which I didn't do at all after High school.

Alright well I am going to go take a nap before I track down Hayley and Randy I think we might get together at Kathy's tonight. The rest of this post is something that i just need to get out of my head so if you are not me and you are for some reason reading this the below is just nonsense.

I had lunch with Mandy Burke today. It was a good lunch we got to talk a lot about things that we both never dealt with. Mandy was with me for an emergency call last year. Last year was a rough one for me people kept trying to die while I was with them and Mandy and I actually had a kid stop breathing twice. The other person who was there actually went to the school counselor for help which was important because he is so very hard on himself and if he didn't have someone he would never have been able to forgive himself. However, Neither Mandy or I ever really talked to anyone about it. I mean we both gave our generic version but we never went into detail about what happened and mostly what happened when we were each alone. You see there was a great deal of time that I was left alone with the emergency and then she was left alone with it at the hospital. We got on the topic of it because it came up during her training. While we were talking about it I got goosebumps. I am really still all messed up from all the events of last year but that was by far the worst. It is made worse because the person I was counting on helping it all be ok was too shaken up to offer me help. I am still drawn to this person in a bad way because I am still searching for help. I never really realized that fact before that I was still looking for someone to help me deal with it but it makes sense. He was the only other one there and while he wasn't there for the part that is the worst for me there is still a connection and I am still looking for him to make it all alright. I know that is terribly weak of me but I have never had to deal with things. Usually when thing happen instead of dealing with them I just push them to the side and they just fade away but I sill have night terrors every now and again about what happened that night. Talking to Mandy about it was very helpful it was nice to hear a bit about what happened to her after I went home and she went to the hospital. Just to know it really was that bad and it really is ok that I am not completely over it all just yet. Maybe just maybe I am still a sane person.

In Adrian...

Well friend, I am officially in Adrian gearing up for Erin's wedding. Also I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT is going on. Who knew it would be so great to sit in a room with one of my best friends and just not talk. Oh my god I love this feeling of normal. Oh the little things in life do make me happy. Speaking of happy today I saw Anthony Chambers.. Who would have guessed I would run into him. He was so cute he ran up to me gave me a huge hug picked me up and didn't stop hugging me until I couldn't breathe. It was super nice I have missed him. I also ran into James and Andrew it is nice Marcus Fucking Schwimmer I hate your fucking guts. Alright just kidding. SO today getting ready for the wedding, hopefully tomorrow seeing jeff and getting a good dinner. Figure out where in Germany I will be living, find out where I will be working, sleep a bit. Oh and write a letter for the parents because Thursday I have parent open house. Alright.. Well I am going to get going and enjoy the normalcy that has been long missing in my life. Thank god at this moment for Marcus Schwimmer because his stress calms me down!

Please remind me to breathe.

SO much So fast. I guess I should start out by saying I never thought it would happen. I was sure that I was going to be moving next month to live with Brittany Zeiter and that was what my plan was. I didn't think that at the last moment this would really happen. I mean who am I? I am a no one. I went to a stupid college and never really tried I just did the bare minimum to get past. I am a poor white girl from the bible belt who was destined to work at a menial job for the rest of her life because the only person she allowed herself to love would never be able to love the person that she was. There are so many people out there who should have this and I was never on that list. But it seems as if someone has given up their bit of fate for me. Thank you so much whoever you are because even though I have never been more scared of anything in my life I have also never felt like there were so many possibilities before me. I don't know what this adventure shall bring to me. So far the only certain thing is that on September 6th 2008 at 10 am I will be leaving the United States of America and at 10:18 am on September 7th 2008 I will be finding my way to the bus station in Cologne to find a nice corner to sleep in until sometime on the 8th I catch a bus to an unknown city. There is so much to do between now and then however, first I have to get Erin Married. I mean someone needs to take care of her while I am gone. After that I need to finish off my mom's classroom and greet the parents so that she can pick up my cousins and then I will disappear I will have no phone, no address and no computer for god knows how long. Oh and I will only have about 200 euros to my name. I hope that my best friend doens't let me down because I think that the only thing that is going to keep me going is knowing I will get to see him at Christmas. It would be our second christmas together. And it seems fitting that since last time he hosted me I should host him. There is so much going through my head right now I cant even write it... I am going to go take some meds and catch some shut eye.


Love much and Keep Dreaming because sometimes it really does work out!

xoxoxo

ME

she made me a believer

So today I had a free massage because my friend's mother is taking classes and needs to practice. It was wonderful! However, she was one of those energy people. You know the crazy people who believe, one that we all have a unique energy and two that they can help to adjust it. However, Let me say she made a believer out of me. That is right folks. before she started I could feel her feel my aura, which she states is doing well and that i tend to project about 10 inches outward of myself. So that is my bubble 10 inches around my being. So we moved in to the massage which was wonderful! and then she ended by balancing my poles she opened my chakras. Now this is where I used to think people just made it up but when I used my good yoga skills and shut down my inner voice I could actually feel her, she was so bright and so safe. I just opened up and let her in and I feel great. She left a bit of whatever that was inside me and I feel more alive. She said to me that too often it is easy to only think of the bad but when we do that is all the universe hears so it is all it sends. I started sending a new message while she helped open me up and as Corny as it sounds at this moment I am more at peace than I think I have ever been before. I believe there may be something to this energy thing I mean it makes sense people have been saying it for years what you put out is what you get back. I am so grateful that she helped me to find a bit of peace in this crazy time. Anyway. I am going to go open the pool in case Faren decides to swim and then I am going to take the dog for a run in the woods. Later

I want the waiting to be over

I am getting so upset with this whole Germany thing. As soon as it seems like it is a waste of hope something works out but then it seems like five other things go wrong before I can even fully enjoy everything going right. I just need to know. I cant stand this limbo. Everyone i know is getting ready to go back to school or start their new jobs or get married. They all have some sort of forward trajection and I am just stuck here doing nothing. It is starting to eat at me a bit. I do have to say I have a whole new love for thoes friends that stick ever by. I do not know what I would do if i didn't get that phone call or message from them every now and again. It helps alot, and it really suprizes me who have given me the most this past summer.
I took the dog for a walk in the river yesterday. And yes I do mean IN the river. It was nice. I forgot how calming the water can be. It washes away the worries that plague a person. My dog is such a gomer, he loves to swim but only in the river. He looks so funny with his head bearly above the current. I think we will go again tomorrow. We would have today but I took him to the park to play frisbee and he nearly died he is currently under the table sleeping.
I had a dream last night that my parents and aunt died while sailing. I had to take on the house payments and take care of my god sister. It was really really weird. But i was glad that i did the right thing. I mean I cant think of what would happen to her if she had to move back in with her mother.
I am super bummed out becuase Marcus said he had written me but it has been over a week now and still no letter. I think he is about done with me. I need to call Erin and Brittany today. that is my top proirty. Well anyway I think I should be going now, I have a few things I need to get done, not important things just things my dad needs to have done before he gets back from sailing. I think I will also clean the stove again.


Ps I hate that excuse that I am too difficult. I am lonely and I really liked us I want you back in my life. And I am not difficult all the time, I know that I am not impossible to love please just try a little bit harder and I will try as well.

Up to three months

Did you know that an American citizen can live in Germany for 90 days before they need to get a visa? isn't that crazy. Things are starting to work out and now if i can only get them to send me my tickets I will be in Germany next month. How scary is that. I am going to a place where no one is waiting for me where they are expecting some English assistant who can speak fluently two languages and instead they are going to have little ol Amanda Sherwood. I don't know how this is going to turn out but I am sure it is going to be one hell of an adventure. I am thinking about getting one of those carbon notebooks so that when I write letters to people I can have the copy to save as sort of my own journal. Well I continue to hold my breath in hopes that all of this will work out in the long run but if not I am not that worried. I have plenty of people to help me put a new life together if this doesn't work out and I am sure that I can count on them for that. Off to call the travel agent again.

I have decided I just dont care....

Well boys and girls,

Gather round for I have a tale for ye.


And basically to sum up that tale... I don't care. Very quickly I was forced to make a plan. I don't really like this at all. So I gave it a lot more though and the truth is that the one thing I really want to do is to have someone think that their life is a little better because of me. Thats right I found a dream, really I always had it it was just a bit perverted. Now however, I understand what my heart has been telling me. Find love and Change someones life for the better. I am not sure I can accomplish the first but let me tell you what try to stop me from doing the second. No matter where I am I can make a difference. That is all I want. Who cares if i am poor, this is brought about because when I was thinking about being a wilderness first responder everyone told me i would make no money, I DONT CARE ABOUT MONEY. I just want to help people. That I can do anywhere at anytime with any amount of money. Thats it i have been driving myself crazy because I have had nothing to drive me and here it was all i wanted was to help. So I am going to. I am still trying to work out going to Germany. It seems to be a fight but if that doesn't work out my friend BZ said I could live with her. Now that I have a plan for next month I can get back to being me and helping others.... Thats it thats all. I have found myself again and I am actually happy.