Time to keep growing up

Coming to Adrian was both a really great thing and a really bad thing. I am obviously really happy to be here for Erin's wedding. Also I love that I am getting to see people I didn't think I would again. However, I don't know if seeing them is such a great thing. I spent all summer removing myself from my associations, I worked hard to make it so that I didn't need the people I had grown to depend upon. However, now that I am here and seeing all of them I worry that I am going to grow to miss them again. It has been really great to see Marcus. I forget when he is not around that he has the ability to just calm me. I know that sounds odd but I am almost always worrying about things and the spirit that he has is at its core a very tranquil place and I get glimmers of that every now and again and it helps me to let go.

I have to say I will not miss the stress here at Adrian. I went to see Kathy this morning and I am a little worried that she is going to have a major melt down. All of my friends are the same way, everyone seems so worked up. I wish that I had a way to show them that none of this really matters. WHo you are in college as long as you get a degree and don't get a STD will just wash away. It is so akin to high school. You get a total redo when you graduate. The only difference for me so far has been that I am actually attempting to hold on to some of the friends I met in college which I didn't do at all after High school.

Alright well I am going to go take a nap before I track down Hayley and Randy I think we might get together at Kathy's tonight. The rest of this post is something that i just need to get out of my head so if you are not me and you are for some reason reading this the below is just nonsense.

I had lunch with Mandy Burke today. It was a good lunch we got to talk a lot about things that we both never dealt with. Mandy was with me for an emergency call last year. Last year was a rough one for me people kept trying to die while I was with them and Mandy and I actually had a kid stop breathing twice. The other person who was there actually went to the school counselor for help which was important because he is so very hard on himself and if he didn't have someone he would never have been able to forgive himself. However, Neither Mandy or I ever really talked to anyone about it. I mean we both gave our generic version but we never went into detail about what happened and mostly what happened when we were each alone. You see there was a great deal of time that I was left alone with the emergency and then she was left alone with it at the hospital. We got on the topic of it because it came up during her training. While we were talking about it I got goosebumps. I am really still all messed up from all the events of last year but that was by far the worst. It is made worse because the person I was counting on helping it all be ok was too shaken up to offer me help. I am still drawn to this person in a bad way because I am still searching for help. I never really realized that fact before that I was still looking for someone to help me deal with it but it makes sense. He was the only other one there and while he wasn't there for the part that is the worst for me there is still a connection and I am still looking for him to make it all alright. I know that is terribly weak of me but I have never had to deal with things. Usually when thing happen instead of dealing with them I just push them to the side and they just fade away but I sill have night terrors every now and again about what happened that night. Talking to Mandy about it was very helpful it was nice to hear a bit about what happened to her after I went home and she went to the hospital. Just to know it really was that bad and it really is ok that I am not completely over it all just yet. Maybe just maybe I am still a sane person.