So very much has happened,

In the last bit of time a lot has happened.

I had what I though was a good friend whore me out, but I think I had a better time doing my own thing anyways.

I think I lost one of my very best friends. I am not sure, but there seems to be a total lack of communication from their end. I will hold on to hope, but I am not going to bother them anymore, I will let them do what they need rather than be selfish as I usually am in these situations.

I realized that several of my friends have become closer because of the the larger distance between us.

I lost all of my hope only to realize that when it seems you have about lost the final fight, your inner nature kicks in, luckily my inner nature is to survive it and adapt.

I have fallen out of love with someone I didn't realize I loved until I stopped loving them.

I have begun battling an addiction that has claimed the lives of several people in my family.

I have changed everything about myself without losing who I am.

And I have started to make real progress on growing as a person.


I would say that these past few months, have been well spent!

I am just going to fly by the seat of my pants.

I keep trying to make plans for this 5 day weekend I have. It is the last of my time off while I am here in good old Germany, but all the plans keep falling through. So I have decided, I am going to buy a rail pass, get on some trains and see what happens!


Today I think we almost had a tornado except they don't get those in Germany. It was such a beautiful day out, all the sudden it got very calm then ever dark, next it started pouring buckets, then it got calm again, next was the hail, it was about marble sized, so not big but still hail, and then the sun came out and we are having a beautiful day again. I really miss storms so it was nice while it lasted. I don't think I will ever again live some place without storms. I really do love Michigan, snow storms, rain storms, thunderstorms, tornados (small ones not dangerous like in Oklahoma and such). Yep, they make me happy! I miss watching the Lightning hit the lakes, I miss the Thunder that shakes the windows, I miss the heavy rain, the wind, the atmosphere... It is time to head back to where I belong.

I am so numb

I am trying so hard not to break down right now. But all I want in the world is for someone to be here for me to talk to right now. Someone who can tell me that it is ok if it doesn't work out. Someone to help me find another Dream. Give me something to live for that wont cost so much. My family is all I have, all I need, but I am not what they need. I cant reach my dream without them, but they are not in the position to help me, they have too much on their hands. They cannot keep me safe while I regroup, while I work and save money so I can take the next step. Without that brace I cannot save enough to go to school. Without a degree no one will hire me to save people. If I dont get paid I cant live, if I dont live I cannot help people.

I feel more alone right now than I ever have before in my life. My dreams are dieing and I have no one to hold me even for a second while I break apart. Instead, I am breaking into a million peices and losing them all. There is no one to help sweep it up. Everything is just gone.


I dont know what will be getting off that plane in 20 days but it wont be me, at this moment the person you know is breathing her last breath. Who knows, Maybe I will firgure it out, maybe I will find someting else to keep me going, I will be peiced back together with peices stronger, better, greater than what I was.

I will find a way to fill this. I will help. I cannot stand by and just see what is going on and do nothing. So Plan a-z have failed. I will start on Plan 1 there are alot more number than letters anyways (I hear maybe an infinite number).

I sound so stupid, but it hurts when a dream dies. It hurts when you have to make a decision to keep the people you love in your life, or to help the people you have not even met yet, and maybe never will. But I know what I need to do. I need to help, I need to do my part, I cant just know what I know, feel what i feel in my heart and ignore the pull. I just have to find another way to get there.


Alright, I am going to go to bed now. I have an early morning and a busy day.