I am so numb

I am trying so hard not to break down right now. But all I want in the world is for someone to be here for me to talk to right now. Someone who can tell me that it is ok if it doesn't work out. Someone to help me find another Dream. Give me something to live for that wont cost so much. My family is all I have, all I need, but I am not what they need. I cant reach my dream without them, but they are not in the position to help me, they have too much on their hands. They cannot keep me safe while I regroup, while I work and save money so I can take the next step. Without that brace I cannot save enough to go to school. Without a degree no one will hire me to save people. If I dont get paid I cant live, if I dont live I cannot help people.

I feel more alone right now than I ever have before in my life. My dreams are dieing and I have no one to hold me even for a second while I break apart. Instead, I am breaking into a million peices and losing them all. There is no one to help sweep it up. Everything is just gone.


I dont know what will be getting off that plane in 20 days but it wont be me, at this moment the person you know is breathing her last breath. Who knows, Maybe I will firgure it out, maybe I will find someting else to keep me going, I will be peiced back together with peices stronger, better, greater than what I was.

I will find a way to fill this. I will help. I cannot stand by and just see what is going on and do nothing. So Plan a-z have failed. I will start on Plan 1 there are alot more number than letters anyways (I hear maybe an infinite number).

I sound so stupid, but it hurts when a dream dies. It hurts when you have to make a decision to keep the people you love in your life, or to help the people you have not even met yet, and maybe never will. But I know what I need to do. I need to help, I need to do my part, I cant just know what I know, feel what i feel in my heart and ignore the pull. I just have to find another way to get there.


Alright, I am going to go to bed now. I have an early morning and a busy day.