On a recent trip to Lansing

I was told that I have not updated in FOREVER!!!!

So after eating a few hamsters I thought I would put something here for her.

MY PHONE SUCKS, I WANT TO PAINT WITH MY SISTER

my foot is asleep

And that is all I have for you today!


xoxo me

This is an update

Dear Claudia, I am sitting across the room in the dark watching the Kendra show with you. I am using your computer and your cat pooped on your floor.


I still cannot find a job. That bows. My dress for Rachaels Wedding is really kind of big. Like Seriously, Mummey is playing bejeweled... we may be addicted to that game.


I am so freaking tired. It was so good to see Rachael today. It was really nice. Now we are watching americas best dance crew I love this show1 You rock for turning it on Could you turn it up a tad?? I am going deaf.

Alright I am going to give you your computer now you should try playing bejeweled!

xoxo
Talk to you later. BYE BYE

So very much has happened,

In the last bit of time a lot has happened.

I had what I though was a good friend whore me out, but I think I had a better time doing my own thing anyways.

I think I lost one of my very best friends. I am not sure, but there seems to be a total lack of communication from their end. I will hold on to hope, but I am not going to bother them anymore, I will let them do what they need rather than be selfish as I usually am in these situations.

I realized that several of my friends have become closer because of the the larger distance between us.

I lost all of my hope only to realize that when it seems you have about lost the final fight, your inner nature kicks in, luckily my inner nature is to survive it and adapt.

I have fallen out of love with someone I didn't realize I loved until I stopped loving them.

I have begun battling an addiction that has claimed the lives of several people in my family.

I have changed everything about myself without losing who I am.

And I have started to make real progress on growing as a person.


I would say that these past few months, have been well spent!

I am just going to fly by the seat of my pants.

I keep trying to make plans for this 5 day weekend I have. It is the last of my time off while I am here in good old Germany, but all the plans keep falling through. So I have decided, I am going to buy a rail pass, get on some trains and see what happens!


Today I think we almost had a tornado except they don't get those in Germany. It was such a beautiful day out, all the sudden it got very calm then ever dark, next it started pouring buckets, then it got calm again, next was the hail, it was about marble sized, so not big but still hail, and then the sun came out and we are having a beautiful day again. I really miss storms so it was nice while it lasted. I don't think I will ever again live some place without storms. I really do love Michigan, snow storms, rain storms, thunderstorms, tornados (small ones not dangerous like in Oklahoma and such). Yep, they make me happy! I miss watching the Lightning hit the lakes, I miss the Thunder that shakes the windows, I miss the heavy rain, the wind, the atmosphere... It is time to head back to where I belong.

I am so numb

I am trying so hard not to break down right now. But all I want in the world is for someone to be here for me to talk to right now. Someone who can tell me that it is ok if it doesn't work out. Someone to help me find another Dream. Give me something to live for that wont cost so much. My family is all I have, all I need, but I am not what they need. I cant reach my dream without them, but they are not in the position to help me, they have too much on their hands. They cannot keep me safe while I regroup, while I work and save money so I can take the next step. Without that brace I cannot save enough to go to school. Without a degree no one will hire me to save people. If I dont get paid I cant live, if I dont live I cannot help people.

I feel more alone right now than I ever have before in my life. My dreams are dieing and I have no one to hold me even for a second while I break apart. Instead, I am breaking into a million peices and losing them all. There is no one to help sweep it up. Everything is just gone.


I dont know what will be getting off that plane in 20 days but it wont be me, at this moment the person you know is breathing her last breath. Who knows, Maybe I will firgure it out, maybe I will find someting else to keep me going, I will be peiced back together with peices stronger, better, greater than what I was.

I will find a way to fill this. I will help. I cannot stand by and just see what is going on and do nothing. So Plan a-z have failed. I will start on Plan 1 there are alot more number than letters anyways (I hear maybe an infinite number).

I sound so stupid, but it hurts when a dream dies. It hurts when you have to make a decision to keep the people you love in your life, or to help the people you have not even met yet, and maybe never will. But I know what I need to do. I need to help, I need to do my part, I cant just know what I know, feel what i feel in my heart and ignore the pull. I just have to find another way to get there.


Alright, I am going to go to bed now. I have an early morning and a busy day.

I took the quiz from 43 things

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a

Tree Hugging Fun Loving Extrovert

a message to Roomie

Ok, was going to post a different blog, but for now I will post this one to Claudia: I have looked at your to do list and I have decided that my goal is to help you get as much of it done as possible in the next year or so, here is what I came up with:

Graduate school you have to do on your own.
Rolling a kayak we will do that this summer! We will get it done!
Snowshoeing, my grandma has a pair of snowshoes so if you get some this winter I will take you to the cabin and you can go with her! (Or I can borrow her shoes and she can cross country ski with us snowshoeing)
Pet a moose you are probably on your own.
Glacier National Park Maybe in a couple years we can go or you can do by yourself
Stick Shift, This summer I will teach you no problem
Love of your life, we will find him when I go to graduate school you visit and we pop over to Ireland.
Also that nicely covers visiting Ireland!
Student loans and Buying a grownup bed you are on by yourself.
Road trip across the country we can manage sometime in the next year!
Live in the Mountians, you are probably on your own, however, if I get my ideal job, I would travel alot so I would go in with you for rent for a place in the Mts. A place to call home when I got leave time.
Visit all 50 states we could get a jump start on with our road trip and our someday visit to Glacier National park.
You have to find your own motivation
Tractors? I could probably work something out there but you would be faster on your own I think.
Learn how to iceskate backwards? WEll first you teach me how to iceskate and we can go and find someone to teach you backwards!
I have a friend in Ann Arbor who can juggle so I may be help there
The Grand Canyon could be part of our roat trip accorss the country.
I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY HOCKEY. My little sister plays maybe she can teach us!
Mt. Rushmore could be on our road trip.
I could boss you around alot trying to get all your goals finished and you could tell me to back off they are your golas and then you would be standing up for your self.
Climbing on rocks you are on your own. I am scared of heights.
THIS WINTER WE WILL LEARN HOW TO SNOW BOARD
I want to go spelunking, we could do it while we road trip. Same for surfing.
Yellowstone could be on the road trip.
I love riding on Motorcycles. I am sure I can scare us up a ride.
Pictured Rocks is on our summer plan already HERE WE COME ASH HOLE!
Your scrap book, quilt and green life are on your own.
Unless we live together and then We can have craft time and make our lives super green.

Ok what next??

I am not ready to go home yet!

Alright kids, so I only have 52 days left in Germany... this is not enough time. Hence I have decided to study in England. I know England is not Germany, but I do not speak well enough to get my masters here, but luckily I speak English (somewhat) so I think I can pass classes in England, and then I still get to learn about Europe. This is the first thing in a long while that makes me really happy.

So to get the bad news out. The guy I was sort of in a way complicated almost relationship with, gave up 52 days before I can be there and we can actually make this thing work he says it is too much and gives up. But of course we are still really good friends, does he get that it will take me a really long time to just be friends. That at first every time I see him I am going to want to be with him again. Oh well, the world turns . Oh well I am over it. I would be being unfair to ask him to wait while I did graduate school in another country. I was hoping to talk him into coming with me, but really, maybe I will meet someone now. And really, if he cannot handle me being gone it is better to never really start anything more, because if I get my dream job I will be gone a lot.

In Case I forgot to tell you my dream job is working for an international organization helping people in areas of conflicts. (Claudia, do you like that I am pretending that anyone but you reads this? haha)

What next,

Oh right only 52 more days.

This weekend I am going to hang out in the black forest for a bit.
The days after my birthday I have free, I think I am going to do some backpacking for the long weekend.
Also on my birthday Shelly and Tiffany get to Oxford so sometime after that we will be going to Italy. I am so excited to go to Italy. I just want to see Everything! I have not even left Europe yet and I cannot wait to get back here again.

And when I get back I will get to see other places, and learn about other people. I think that is what I love the most. I love hearing about peoples lives. I have always been a people watcher, but it is so much more interesting to actually hear about their lives!


Alright, I have so much more on my mind, but I am going to skip most of it.. except this...

I do not want to have my birthday this year... I do not mind being a year older 23 is not all that old. However, I just feel like my birthday is going to be super bad. My birthdays are always bad something tragic always happens but I fear this year is building into something worse than usual. I am holding to the hope that this will break all traditions, there will be no hospitals, no crazy fights with the parents or siblings, I wont lose anything, or anything else negative. This year is either going to go down in history as the worst, or as breaking the cycle. (The optimistic side of me has to hold on to the break the cycle)

Alright I am going to head to bed. I have almost finished a book and it is getting really REALLY intense so I want to get my chapter out of the way so I am that much closer.


I love you lots!
xoxox

I got a new tooth brush today!

I love tooth brushes, they may be an obsession with me. It took me about 20 min to pick this one out. It is a Dr. Best Extreme clean! I am happy with my decision, I am soon going to go brush my teeth to test it out, however, I am waiting to see if I get hungry for dinner first. The last two nights I have not gotten hungry so I have not eaten dinner but I thought tonight I might get hungry since I FINALLY GOT TO GO BACK TO MY STUDENTS!

I really missed my students. I am happy to be back with them. My 7th graders had their English Theater Performance today, I don't think I have ever been so proud in my entire life! Other good things happened too, but those will be recorded only in my heart!

So, While Tom and Shane were here we went to the pool. I knew my students saw me so I knew to be prepared for their questions. Anytime they see me with a guy they think that he is my boyfriend. What I was not prepared for however, was my Stromburg students asking Susanne if one of them was my boyfriend! That cracks me up. I have only been to Stromburg a few times, I have a couple of students who we regulary email so I can help them, but most of them I thought didn't really pay much attention to me. However, Susanne started talking about how she saw Tom and he was doing his bike tour across the world, one of the students raised their hands and asked if he was my boyfirend, the one I was at the pool with! That is really funny. Sorry, as much as I wish I had a wicked awsome british boy I am indeed still single.

Alright, I just have not posted forever, and felt like I was abandoning Claudia even if she has not written in even longer!

Much Love, I need to get a few more thigns done for my classes tomorrow.

xoxo
ME

Oh Where does the time go?

I fell asleep in the garden today. It was GREAT!! Oh the warm sunshine reaching deep into my body, warming the marrow in my bones! If I wasn't allergic to the sun I would have stayed out all day, but as it is I am feeling crappy and I cannot find my allergy meds.. oops.... Whatever, it has been so long since I have felt so warm and cozy I will deal with the icky feeling.


I am currently packing for my return trip to Berlin.. I have a serious over packing problem! I just don't know what to take and I want to take all of my shoes.. that is not good. I have acquired a lot of shoes since I have been here. Not that this should be a surprise. I love shoes so much.


Alright well I was really planning on writing a whole bunch more however, I lost the mood to write. I am back in the mood to dance. So I am going to go dance! Peace Love Yada Yada Yada...

xoxo
Me

So 2 posts one day I rock

I won vs the Internet! YAY

and I couldn't resist the change in play list! Hope you enjoy it for a bit. I will create a all requests play list so if you want to request songs I will cater to your wants and desires!

love you!

stupid internet

Tell me why will the internet work on the first floor of the house but not on the third. I am currently sitting in the sitting room (not one of myrooms) with my computer until the battery dies or Susanne gets home. Why? Because I need the internet for all of my daily tasks since rosetta stone no longer works on my computer the internet is all I have to do and to learn from. But now it is dead... WHY WORLD WHY?

So I am a softy... But can society afford to be?

So I am against the Death Penalty. An eye for an eye has never really worked for me. So, I will not lie I follow news on the death penalty via Twitter. However, the other day I found an article that really upset me. Someone on death row is claiming that long waits on death row is cruel and unusual punishment. Now on one side I agree with him. Knowing that you are just waiting to die is cruel and unusual punishment. However, he didn't claim that the physiological things that accompany waiting to be put to death are the cruel and unusual parts. In stead he is claiming that the conditions of Death row inmates is. REALLY. If you were not going to be put to death you would be kept in an isolated cell with limited time outside. YOU KILLED SOMEONE, we are not going to let you chillax with anyone and treat you like a king. But here is the kicker, reading his claims made me feel sorry for him. Can we really ever forgive someone who has killed someone else? Can we really punish them for the rest of their lives? If we were still in nature we woudln't care. If he had more power from killing someone we might try to kill him for his power. We know that is in our human nature, How can we punish someone so harshly when their crime is truly that they could not go against their nature. Now I know I am a hiprocryte because is someone killed someone I know I would want to see them suffer. However, I think I could also eventually forgive them, if they truly showed me that they diserved forgiveness. I just dont know. Sometimes I am such a bleading heart. I think that is what is going to be the end of me, I always forgive. Sometiems it takes a great deal of time. But I always forgive, and usually I do more than forgive. I convince myself that it was all my fault anyways. Which sometimes it really is, but I am not sure if it is ALWAYs my fault.

Alright what I really want to do is work on my new play list and get up the songs that get stuck in my head! :)

Talk to you soon

I am starting to think I post only for Claudia!

So I will make this to her:

Dear Roomie,

I don't know what I did to get a friend as good as you but I sure am lucky. One week until HK comes to visit. I am really super excited but worried I will not be able to give her the great time she deserves because I am so painfully poor.

If we cannot live in the Denver area how do you fell about the Chicago area? not necessarily in Chicago but in the area... Any cool places for you to work there? I ask becuaes I have possibly found a job there. I am just really really worried I might not get into that school. ANd they still have not sent me the information I requested which kind of makes me mad!

In Other news... yesterday was Spahr Mull day which means all the big stuff will be removed for free. So I hauled more things than one person should ever own in their whole life and now I cannot lift my arms above my head. OUCH! :)

Alright, I need to go find some thing to wake me up. I still have alot to do today.

Peace out Girl Scout!

Um I really have nothing else.

Reflections of an odd kind?

When I was a kid, I as terrified of the Toilet. Not that I was going to be flushed down but that a monster was going to come up. Like when I flushed it it opened a door to nightmare land and any creepy killer monster could crawl up and get me and take me back and no one would ever know what happened to me.

Due to this when I was a kid I used to finish using the bathroom put down the lid wash my hands open the bathroom door walk toward the toilet, position myself as far away as possible and still able to push the flush handle, I would flush it and then I would run as fast as I could into my room. Lock the door and press my back against the door. I would wait to see if I heard any noise and if I heard nothing for the count of 20 I would be ok. I would slowly open my door and then I would rush downstairs just in case the monster had hidden from me I needed to be downstairs with people and safe. When other people were upstairs I didn't have to worry so much. I knew I was the only one the monsters were after and everyone else could stop them. So when other people were upstairs I would finish using the restroom. Put the lid down, wash my hands open the door just a crack flush run across the bathroom reach the door open it step out close the door and try to act normal. I didn't want anyone to know I was scared. But I was terrified.

Later in life (just a few years) My best friend Krisitn Gumpher always made me go into the bathroom with her. I used to sit on the step between the shower and the sink that way I couldn't see her and she could have privacy. She was also scared of my bathroom. But not of the toilet, she was scared of the drawers under the sink. She thought there were puppets in them that were going to kill her.

The odd thing was that for both of us that was the only bathroom we were ever scared of. It makes me wonder where thoes bad vibes came from. I never told her I was scared of that bathroom so her fear didn't come from mine. Oh childhood fears. Funny how we outgrow some and not others.


alright that is all for now. I need to go to sleep. I am sick and can barely keep my eyes open and I need to get better before Heather gets here!

xoxooxoxoxo
Mandi Wood

Because you will not find this anywhere on any of the information sites!

These are the Stations at which you can buy German Rail Passes, Twin passes are a great deal if you have a buddie!

Here is the list of railway stations in Germany where you can purchase railpasses for any number of days:
(Hbf = main railway station; Flughafen = airport)

Basel Bad Bf
Berlin Hbf
Berlin-Schönefeld Flughafen
Berlin Südkreuz
Berlin Zoologischer Garten
Bonn Hbf
Dresden Hbf
Düsseldorf Hbf
Düsseldorf Flughafen
Frankfurt (M) Hbf
Frankfurt (M) Flughafen
Hamburg Hbf
Hannover Hbf
Heidelberg Hbf
Kaiserslautern Hbf
Köln Hbf
Köln/Bonn Flughafen
Leipzig Hbf
München Hbf
München Flughafen
Stuttgart Hbf

DB (German Railways) France in Paris
Zürich (DB-Verkaufsstelle bei der Deutschen Zentrale für Tourismus = Centre Tourism Germany)
Generalvertretung der DB Vertrieb GmbH für Großbritannien in London (booking centre Deutsche Bahn/Railways Germany)

I can do whatever I want becuase I look good in Heaven!

Dancing it out.. I am just dancing it all out.

Claudia, if we do live together you better know that we are going to have to dance it out together!

So the point of the title of this blog... I thought was a line in a song... but no no, I looked it up, and it is I can do whatever I want cause I look good in Leather.. UM because I look good in Heaven is so much better so it is my second catch phrase.

I now have to phrases that are me
I am made of blue sky and hard rock and will live this way forever,
and
I can do whatever I want because I look good in heaven!

YESSSSS
I know I know you are jealous, you just need to get you phrases too

alright this is a short entry because I really have to get back to dancing. I am teaching a dance for one of my lessons either tomorrow or Thursday and I have not perfected it yet.

TATA

Working on a new playlist!

So I am making a new playlist that will be up in a few weeks. The new playlist will be made only of songs that get stuck in my head. So that you can all know which songs get stuck in my head! :)

So here is my day so far:

8:30 am wake up
8:50 walk to school
9:45 make it to class
10:30 walk home
11:20 back in bed
12:30 walk to Real, then to Kiks, and then to the dollar store
2:00 walk home
2:45:pm get on the computer do random things, work a bit, watch Tv. Change purses work on package to Laudi.
It is now 5:00 and I am wondering if there will be dinner tonight!

Any moment now I am going to go talk to my land lord.... YAY LAND LADY she is really sweet!

No dinner tonight, I am on my own, but I have some stuff left over so I think I can make a tasty dinner for myself. Hopefully!


Got asked out by a student today. AWKWARD, they thought I was only 18 and they like talking with me so they figured they would go for it. Poor guy. but so so awkward for me. I think of my students as kids, so it really caught me by surprise like what do you do when that happens? Of course I said no but now for the next 4.5 months this kid is going to feel so awkward and I am going to feel awkward.... why cant a good older guy like me?? REALLY high schoolers I am pretty lame!


Current favorite song stuck in my head Mando Diao Dance

Break your happy home
Learn to sing along
To the music, to the music
Clap your hands and shake
On a summer's day
To the music, to the music

[Chorus 2x]
I'm falling in love with your favourite song
I'm gonna sing it all night long
I'm gonna dance with somebody
Dance with somebody
Dance, dance, dance

I'm gonna dance with somebody

When you're all alone
We become your home
We're the music, we're the music
When your love's away
And you feel betrayed
We're the music, sweet music

[Chorus 2x]
I'm falling in love with your favourite song
I'm gonna sing it all night long
I'm gonna dance with somebody
Dance with somebody
Dance, dance, dance

[30x]
Dance...

[Instrumental & Humming Part]

[Chorus 4x]
I'm falling in love with your favourite song
I'm gonna sing it all night long
I'm gonna dance with somebody
Dance with somebody
Dance, dance, dance


I just made 36 cupcakes for my conversation class tomorrow, They better love me. I figured we could use some cheering up on Friday the 13th and the day before St. Valentines day!

PS it is officially 24 hours after I started this entry. I forgot about it yesterday and never finished posting it. SO I shall runn off to post it now!

BYE

I know, Two posts one day it isn't fair....

I have been thinking a lot. I think we have this whole idea of love wrong. I mean it isn't our faults we have been fed this fairytale ideal our whole lives. I mean to give us credit none of us really believe that some prince charming will come and find us and save us from ourselves. However, we do still have this idea that we can find one person who will fit with us and some how make us more complete.

Maybe that is all bullshit. I mean I think it is. We all keep saying that we are just happier when we are with someone but why is that? I think we have been trained to not be happy alone and that is just pure insanity. How can we be happier when we have to worry about making someone else happy.

I truly think that we can never find someone to be happy with until we can just be happy.

Now that gets me to my next topic. Dear world, I have been very happy alone for the last four years, Send me a man, he doesn't have to be perfect but he could be perfect for me that would be great! LOL

No I am sure I will find someone to torture for awhile. But I am done kissing toads looking for a good guy. I am ready to be wanted. So it starts now. Time to shed this cold hard and slightly ugly Shell.

As you read (if you read the other entry, you know I am coming to terms with all my dark twisty nature. I threw it out there, the things that you may have known and some things you probably didn't. And now, now I am ready to break free.

There is this idea swirling around in my head, it is so beautiful, I don't understand it it is just sweet sounds and images that make not sense right now. But I will figure it out.


I am so excited I figured out how to post pictures. I knew how to do it long ago and I have jogged my memory on how to do it again. I am sure if i used the tool bar it would have done it for me but I like using the code by myself. I like knowing I can boss my computer around sometimes.

Alright I need to go get my laundry finished and maybe take a nap....


I love you and hope your hearts lighten their load. Just let it go and you will be able to fly again!

Some things that should be known about me.

Now people can no longer complain that they do not understand why I am who I am.

It seems like on Facebook everyone is doing that here are 25 random things about me. Well I decided to make you a list of things that I think are very important about me to understand why sometimes I react to things in ways that I should not react I figured if I put this list out there then later in life I can say things like well I warned people who wanted to know. Anyone who wanted could have found this information and been prepared for this.

Ok

First of all I am stubborn, More so than people think when I actually set my mind to something it is over. Often I ruin things for myself because I am unwilling to budge but this stubbornness comes from being walked over so many times so when there is something and I get it in my head that it is important I will not be moved by anything but death.

I don't like sharing my emotions because to many people have abused me because of it. If I seem to get really angry and I am fighting with you for no good reason you have probably hurt me bad, or found me just after someone else has caused some great hurt in my life. Instead of getting sad and weak I will get angry.

I need hugs to survive. I feel so safe wiht someones arms around me (one part is heartbeats which you will read about later). I just feel like no harm can come ot me when I am safe in someone elses embrace.

If you have seen me cry it is probably because I was so angry I had no where for the anger to go. Very few people have seen me just cry because I was sad or upset, the only tears they have seen are tears of intense anger.

I am irrationally afraid of the dark. I try to act brave, I will walk by myself at night so that no one else knows how scared I am but in truth my body hurts from how scared I am.


I am like that with most of the things that scare me. I will not admit how scared I am. I will just push through, and my body does hurt from how scared I am but I do not like to show any weakness.

In relationships I have to have someone willing to fight with me. This sounds crazy but fighting ignites such passion. I am not talking about like physical fights but I need someone who will hold their own say no to me and stand their ground. I find that really hot!

I really want a guy to court me. I have never really been asked out. I have not been on a really true date ever. I want a guy that asks me out, brings me flowers, and tries to get closer to me.

I push people away before they can leave me. I have huge abandonment issues and I would rather be the one to leave than be the one who is left. I know those who I leave have tons of other friends and will never be left alone. I would rather be alone by choice than by being left.

I dont like sleeping alone. I have always had trouble sleeping in my bed I feel like I am so far from everyone. When I was a kid I would often sneak out of my bed and my parents would find me all over the place. Now I have tons of pillows and I ususally set them on both sides of me so I can feel like I am sleeping between two people. at the very least I have to have them set up on one side so I can feel like someone else is there.

I think that I truly have failed everyone around me. You can tell me that I have not but I will forever feel that guilt.

I feel like I would have fit in better in some other time. I feel like the person who is deep inside of me would fit better in the past, and that I build such strong walls of protection around me because that frail little girl is so scared of how things are today.

I am scared I will be alone for the rest of my life. All I want is some guy to fight for me. To show me that deep down I am worth enough to put up with all of my faults.


I was raped in college and that is why I have such issues getting close to guys. It was funny, I always thought that I was not pretty enough, or skinny enough to have such a problem. I thought I was safe, who would want to be with me... I was wrong and I am ashamed that I put myself in a position where I could let that happen. I know better, I am smarter and I should be stronger but I guess I wasn't strong enough. But for all my friends who got mad that I would not ever let them be alone that is why.I cannot stand the idea of letting that happen to someone I love. I never count that as having sex, I was still a virgin after that happened and I will never again talk about it so please dont ask me, and dont say I never knew or I am sorry it happened. It did and it made me a stronger person.

I have given up drinking to the point of being drunk and I am very upset that so many people are upset about that. People want me to drink and I just dont want to. There are so many alcholics in my family and I am an adult now. I am over that college get wasted phase and I would appericate a little bit of support. I don't mind if you drink, but I just will not get drunk anymore.

It is easier for me to trust guys than girls. There is part of me that just craves to have men in my life, I just need them as friends but I need them to be around. I have always been a daddys girl, and my grandpas girl. I dont know why but I just need men around. I like my friends who are girls, I love them, but I need the guys to feel safe I think.

I don't trust anyone. I think that all people have an alternitive motive for everything. The few times I do start to trust someone they always turn out to be the wrong person to trust. I know deep down that There are people I can trust, and I have started to open up more but I always guard a good bit of myself from everyone. And I long for someone I can trust with everything. I long for someone to just push through all my problems.

I can lie about anything. But if I am telling the truth and you think it is a lie I cannot keep a straight face. That has gotten me in alot of trouble. When ever I lie, I feel so guilty about it I eventually have to come clean about it. Or if I know I have to lie, like if we are throwing a suprize party I will have to find a half truth to tell so that I can lie and not feel so guilty.

I love to hear gossip however, If someone comes to me with something I will not tell anyone else. I like gossip becuase usually parts of it are true and I like to then go find out what is going on. I like to know everything that is happening with the people around me.

I like to read books, Fantasy are my favorite and when I am reading them I will pretend that I am in teh book. If there is not a femal character strong enought for me I will spend hours everynight rewritting the story in my mind. Changing the things that have happend so that there is a character I can pretend is me. It is my escape from life. I have alot of troubles sleeping at night so I like to read that way I am at least resting and that is when I pretend that I am these characers in these stories. And in the end I always find my true love. I accomplish in stories what I think I never will in life. I get over being stubborn (well mostly) I learn to trust and to love. Also sometimes in my stories I am very weak, I have to have people to protect me. That is a desire I have is to have someone to protect me.

Most of my dreams are nightmares. They will often start out as good dreams but by the end they are always nightmares. Terrible things happen usually I only tell people about the good beginning parts and make up a happy ending so that I can pretend that I have alot of good dreams too.

I love having someone read to me, or for me to read to them. I used to get really mad at Dave I felt like he was using me alot, but I forgave him of most of it becuase he would read to me or I would read to him.

I sleep better when there is someone else in the room. I like to hear them breathe.

The sound of someones heartbeat always clams me down and makes me feel safe.

I love touching people. I feel like I am falling away from the world if I cannot touch someone. That is one reason Germany is so hard I have no one to touch.

I really want to kiss someone right now. It has been so long since I have kissed anyone and that is something I love.

I belive in Soul Mates. I belive there will be one person that I might find that will break down all my barriers and that we will just love eachother for ever. However, I know with so many people in the world it will be hard to find them and I am worried I never will.


I know that I would change everything about myself if someone asked me to and promised they would keep me safe so I didn't have to work so hard to do it anymore.

I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up and that scares me.

I love water, it heals all. When I get upset you will find that I turn to water, a shower, a river, the rain, any of it will help me.


I cannot get over when that kid died in my arms. I think about it all the time and it is slowly eating me up. I know he is alright now, but there is so much that happened that I will never be able to say. I can't understand how I was ever alone in the room with him in my mind it is all so slow and I just remember a couple of times looking around for help and no one was there. I have so much respect for Tilli because of that night, she woke up to find me collapsed on the bathroom floor and she stayed with me and I know I was in a horrible place. However, after that night, I do know that I need to spend my life helping people. I wish I were smarter and could be a doctor but I will find other ways to help people.


I belive everybad thing that has happend in my life have been things from the gods or from God (which ever is out there) to prepare me for something I am going ot have to do. I really believe my life is not completley my own and that I am going to have a part in something really important. That is why even wiht all these seemingly dark things I have written I am actually very happy. I know there is something out there for me to do.

I am happy, I love my life. I love my friends and my family. I am very greatful for all the oppertunities I have had. I am so thankful for everyone in my life they have all taught me so much and helped me unmeasurably. I would not trade in any part of my life becuase it makes me who I am. And no matter if parts of me are not the best they are in the end me. And If I were not me I am not sure who I would be.


Alright I feel like this is long enough, it is not nearly everything, but I think it is enough.

Paper cut from Hell

I have the worlds best ex roomie, Roomie. I want you to know how much I love you. I really don't know where I would be without you always being there for me.

I got the worlds worst paper cut today, actually the paper managed to take of a hunk of my finger. REALLY? Who amputates themselves with a piece of paper?

So I learned today that my pessimism about our society actually allows me to enjoy life more than others. I know this person and they hate living where they are so much that they are making themselves miserable. No one had been able to figure out why it was so bad. And the reason is that they truly believe that other places are better. I however, know that all places have their own faults as big as their positives . So that in the end you just have to make the best of where you are. Now I understand some people prefer cities, and other country. Those make a big difference, but if you move somewhere hoping that politically it makes a difference the truth is that there isn't that much difference. Political cultures are always changing, the publics out look is alwasy changing. Also because I have no faith in people puting any work in I understand that if you dont like the social or political culture you can change it. So few people believe in someting enough to change it, most live how things have always been, and when someone changes it they fight against that change for awhile but then they get tired of working and give up and live the change until it becomes how it alwasy was for that town.

I do not falut this person, they should live where they belive in it, however, they shoudl also not let that dictate their lives. They need to learn that even if they are not in their finaly wanted home, they are at least in a job, they at least have people who love them, and lord knows at some point they will get where they want to go. However, if they drive themselves into so deep a depression that they cant keep their life together then they will never be able tot get to this place, they have to hold it together long enought to get there. I have full faith that they will get there. They can make it, of this I am sure! They are one of the strongest people I know and they will make it they just need to not lose hope.

My amputated finger is throbing I am suffering from a ghost limb :(

I went for a good walk and cleared my head today. Oh the power of the Rhine. I wish I could have sat out there for hours, but one of the teachers I am working with has bronchitis and is still coming to work which means I am very likley to catch it from her and I am not going to weaken my immune system by sitting out in the cold.

Alright well I have some research to do for my classes tomorrow. One of my teachers has fogotten that she told me not to come to both lessons because I took on my own conversation course and gave me work for both lessons tomorrow. I am not very pleased. I am supposed to be able to sleep in an extra hour tomorrow but since that isn't going to happen I need to get done early tonight and get some sleep.

Alright, I totally forgot to post this and just realized it was still open, my work is done and the best news I just realized my countdowns are based on Michigan time, which means eveything this 6 hours closer than I thought!!!

Alright, I am going for real now!

xoxox

Today

So to distract us from that bit of my pouring, I was looking at what my name means, funny that Rae means Ewe. Both are three letter words! Kind of odd.
Also Worthy is 6 letters, of love is 6 letters, amanda is 6 letters the last name doesn't have any fun obvious mathness to it. I am sure that if I thought about it I could make it all work out but I just don't have that in me right now.

One of my favorite songs just started on the play list Sonata 14 (beethoven)

I think I am finally over my cold enough to start jogging again. That will be good. I found this multi generational house yesterday. I think I am going to find out if any of the old people speak English and then I can start volunteering there. I miss volunteering so much.

it is 11 pm I should be going to bed soon. I think I will sleep in tomorrow and go jogging in the afternoon. When I go in the am there is no light and i have to do it in the neighborhood, but in teh afternoon I can jog along the Rhine. That makes me feel better, the trees and the river are good for my soul.

Alright, my soul needs to go to bed. So that is what I am off to do.

I love you

Oh where has the time gone?

My second imported jar of Jif is almost empty. I still have a long time here.


My name means:
lovable, worthy of love
Ewe
Bright Forest.

One heck of a name there isn't?

I have been drinking tea like it is my job lately. Yum Yum tea, I seriously go through phases where I crave something. Like two weeks ago all I wanted were egg whites. This past week I have been all about the Tea. And like that is ALL I want I have to force myself to have anything else.

Have you ever noticed that light bulbs make a really annoying sound right before they burn out?


I am excited we are going to the pool tonight. Time to get my swim on. I grabbed my goggles when I was at home for Christmas which is good for I love swimming laps but the old people always get in my way and I hate doing the modified breast stroke so I can see the old people. now I can straight up do free style and I will be able to see so I can dodge the old people. While they are ten points when you are driving, they are negative points when you are trying to do laps. I am also looking forward to the hot tub. Only I wish it was hot like Americans do it. Our hot tub is a whole 10 degrees hotter than the pool so it feels pretty cool. Ohh Speaking of cold. maybe I will go to the outside pool. It is full of Natural salts or something which are super good for you. However, I dont know if it will be warm enough for me to brave the walk out to it.

Oh god I just learned a lot. But I will not write about it here because I made a promise to a very good friend just now not to discuss it. I just wish I could offer more help. You would think that since I was in a similar situation I could offer help. But while it looks the same on the ourside I am sure that they are very different in all reality. Since my problem centered around me, I was manifasting my issues into another form. And for her they seem to be much more legitimate. Alright, that is all about that.


I am really starting to hate Rosetta Stone, I am not sure if it just my computer or if it is the program but I am having so many problems. I just want to learn the language of the Country I am living in. Maybe I am just not a languages person.

So I pretty much cut one of my legs off shaving the other night. I forgot I had a new razor and now my left leg is missing a lot of skin. It is so stupid sharp blades cut so well that it is a while before they hurt or bleed so then you don't remember that you have a super sharp razor and keep shaving and by the time you start bleeding and hurting half of your leg is gone.

Alright I am going to go for a bit, I think I will take a short nap, fold the last of my laundry, hit the bank adn then get ready for the Twins birthday dinner.

night. Love you Miss you BYEE

Is this Jet lag or is it depression?

So I do not really want to admit that my seasonal depression is back. So I am just going to say that the reason I feel so down is that I am suffering from jet lag. I think that is a great excuse. Probably the best one I have ever had.

I have not eaten yet today so I think I am going to grab a sweat shirt and head down to say hello to Susanne and get an apple or something. I will be back in a bit.

Susanne was gone, where did she get off to?
I made some toast with the blueberry butter dad sent me. It was yummy and made me happy because it reminded me how much he loves me.

I need to figure out how to post pictures on this. I used to know the code but I have not used it for so long I have forgotten it. I guess that is what I will look up today. Yay for having a project. So at the dollar store I got speakers for my new I-Pod and I love them. They rock my world! YAY for the dollar store.

Alright I need to do a few things and sort some other things and I am getting ready to need to pee so I think I am going to go for a bit. I think Claudia is the only one who really reads this thing and I know she will approve of peeing so I don't feel bad.

Ps Claudia, I am seriously craving a trip when I get back. I think I have found us a good camping spot and we can use my tent. Since it is not a Camping sight just a place to camp I think we can invite some people to go with us since it will be free to camp there. Let me look some more but, I was thinking I have some extra tents and I think my mom still has our huge 2 room tent so maybe we will have a family camping trip, since not all of our family is hard core like us we might do that one for like 2 or three days keep it short for the non out doors types but what do you think?


xoxoxo
ME