Some things that should be known about me.

Now people can no longer complain that they do not understand why I am who I am.

It seems like on Facebook everyone is doing that here are 25 random things about me. Well I decided to make you a list of things that I think are very important about me to understand why sometimes I react to things in ways that I should not react I figured if I put this list out there then later in life I can say things like well I warned people who wanted to know. Anyone who wanted could have found this information and been prepared for this.

Ok

First of all I am stubborn, More so than people think when I actually set my mind to something it is over. Often I ruin things for myself because I am unwilling to budge but this stubbornness comes from being walked over so many times so when there is something and I get it in my head that it is important I will not be moved by anything but death.

I don't like sharing my emotions because to many people have abused me because of it. If I seem to get really angry and I am fighting with you for no good reason you have probably hurt me bad, or found me just after someone else has caused some great hurt in my life. Instead of getting sad and weak I will get angry.

I need hugs to survive. I feel so safe wiht someones arms around me (one part is heartbeats which you will read about later). I just feel like no harm can come ot me when I am safe in someone elses embrace.

If you have seen me cry it is probably because I was so angry I had no where for the anger to go. Very few people have seen me just cry because I was sad or upset, the only tears they have seen are tears of intense anger.

I am irrationally afraid of the dark. I try to act brave, I will walk by myself at night so that no one else knows how scared I am but in truth my body hurts from how scared I am.


I am like that with most of the things that scare me. I will not admit how scared I am. I will just push through, and my body does hurt from how scared I am but I do not like to show any weakness.

In relationships I have to have someone willing to fight with me. This sounds crazy but fighting ignites such passion. I am not talking about like physical fights but I need someone who will hold their own say no to me and stand their ground. I find that really hot!

I really want a guy to court me. I have never really been asked out. I have not been on a really true date ever. I want a guy that asks me out, brings me flowers, and tries to get closer to me.

I push people away before they can leave me. I have huge abandonment issues and I would rather be the one to leave than be the one who is left. I know those who I leave have tons of other friends and will never be left alone. I would rather be alone by choice than by being left.

I dont like sleeping alone. I have always had trouble sleeping in my bed I feel like I am so far from everyone. When I was a kid I would often sneak out of my bed and my parents would find me all over the place. Now I have tons of pillows and I ususally set them on both sides of me so I can feel like I am sleeping between two people. at the very least I have to have them set up on one side so I can feel like someone else is there.

I think that I truly have failed everyone around me. You can tell me that I have not but I will forever feel that guilt.

I feel like I would have fit in better in some other time. I feel like the person who is deep inside of me would fit better in the past, and that I build such strong walls of protection around me because that frail little girl is so scared of how things are today.

I am scared I will be alone for the rest of my life. All I want is some guy to fight for me. To show me that deep down I am worth enough to put up with all of my faults.


I was raped in college and that is why I have such issues getting close to guys. It was funny, I always thought that I was not pretty enough, or skinny enough to have such a problem. I thought I was safe, who would want to be with me... I was wrong and I am ashamed that I put myself in a position where I could let that happen. I know better, I am smarter and I should be stronger but I guess I wasn't strong enough. But for all my friends who got mad that I would not ever let them be alone that is why.I cannot stand the idea of letting that happen to someone I love. I never count that as having sex, I was still a virgin after that happened and I will never again talk about it so please dont ask me, and dont say I never knew or I am sorry it happened. It did and it made me a stronger person.

I have given up drinking to the point of being drunk and I am very upset that so many people are upset about that. People want me to drink and I just dont want to. There are so many alcholics in my family and I am an adult now. I am over that college get wasted phase and I would appericate a little bit of support. I don't mind if you drink, but I just will not get drunk anymore.

It is easier for me to trust guys than girls. There is part of me that just craves to have men in my life, I just need them as friends but I need them to be around. I have always been a daddys girl, and my grandpas girl. I dont know why but I just need men around. I like my friends who are girls, I love them, but I need the guys to feel safe I think.

I don't trust anyone. I think that all people have an alternitive motive for everything. The few times I do start to trust someone they always turn out to be the wrong person to trust. I know deep down that There are people I can trust, and I have started to open up more but I always guard a good bit of myself from everyone. And I long for someone I can trust with everything. I long for someone to just push through all my problems.

I can lie about anything. But if I am telling the truth and you think it is a lie I cannot keep a straight face. That has gotten me in alot of trouble. When ever I lie, I feel so guilty about it I eventually have to come clean about it. Or if I know I have to lie, like if we are throwing a suprize party I will have to find a half truth to tell so that I can lie and not feel so guilty.

I love to hear gossip however, If someone comes to me with something I will not tell anyone else. I like gossip becuase usually parts of it are true and I like to then go find out what is going on. I like to know everything that is happening with the people around me.

I like to read books, Fantasy are my favorite and when I am reading them I will pretend that I am in teh book. If there is not a femal character strong enought for me I will spend hours everynight rewritting the story in my mind. Changing the things that have happend so that there is a character I can pretend is me. It is my escape from life. I have alot of troubles sleeping at night so I like to read that way I am at least resting and that is when I pretend that I am these characers in these stories. And in the end I always find my true love. I accomplish in stories what I think I never will in life. I get over being stubborn (well mostly) I learn to trust and to love. Also sometimes in my stories I am very weak, I have to have people to protect me. That is a desire I have is to have someone to protect me.

Most of my dreams are nightmares. They will often start out as good dreams but by the end they are always nightmares. Terrible things happen usually I only tell people about the good beginning parts and make up a happy ending so that I can pretend that I have alot of good dreams too.

I love having someone read to me, or for me to read to them. I used to get really mad at Dave I felt like he was using me alot, but I forgave him of most of it becuase he would read to me or I would read to him.

I sleep better when there is someone else in the room. I like to hear them breathe.

The sound of someones heartbeat always clams me down and makes me feel safe.

I love touching people. I feel like I am falling away from the world if I cannot touch someone. That is one reason Germany is so hard I have no one to touch.

I really want to kiss someone right now. It has been so long since I have kissed anyone and that is something I love.

I belive in Soul Mates. I belive there will be one person that I might find that will break down all my barriers and that we will just love eachother for ever. However, I know with so many people in the world it will be hard to find them and I am worried I never will.


I know that I would change everything about myself if someone asked me to and promised they would keep me safe so I didn't have to work so hard to do it anymore.

I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up and that scares me.

I love water, it heals all. When I get upset you will find that I turn to water, a shower, a river, the rain, any of it will help me.


I cannot get over when that kid died in my arms. I think about it all the time and it is slowly eating me up. I know he is alright now, but there is so much that happened that I will never be able to say. I can't understand how I was ever alone in the room with him in my mind it is all so slow and I just remember a couple of times looking around for help and no one was there. I have so much respect for Tilli because of that night, she woke up to find me collapsed on the bathroom floor and she stayed with me and I know I was in a horrible place. However, after that night, I do know that I need to spend my life helping people. I wish I were smarter and could be a doctor but I will find other ways to help people.


I belive everybad thing that has happend in my life have been things from the gods or from God (which ever is out there) to prepare me for something I am going ot have to do. I really believe my life is not completley my own and that I am going to have a part in something really important. That is why even wiht all these seemingly dark things I have written I am actually very happy. I know there is something out there for me to do.

I am happy, I love my life. I love my friends and my family. I am very greatful for all the oppertunities I have had. I am so thankful for everyone in my life they have all taught me so much and helped me unmeasurably. I would not trade in any part of my life becuase it makes me who I am. And no matter if parts of me are not the best they are in the end me. And If I were not me I am not sure who I would be.


Alright I feel like this is long enough, it is not nearly everything, but I think it is enough.