I want the waiting to be over

I am getting so upset with this whole Germany thing. As soon as it seems like it is a waste of hope something works out but then it seems like five other things go wrong before I can even fully enjoy everything going right. I just need to know. I cant stand this limbo. Everyone i know is getting ready to go back to school or start their new jobs or get married. They all have some sort of forward trajection and I am just stuck here doing nothing. It is starting to eat at me a bit. I do have to say I have a whole new love for thoes friends that stick ever by. I do not know what I would do if i didn't get that phone call or message from them every now and again. It helps alot, and it really suprizes me who have given me the most this past summer.
I took the dog for a walk in the river yesterday. And yes I do mean IN the river. It was nice. I forgot how calming the water can be. It washes away the worries that plague a person. My dog is such a gomer, he loves to swim but only in the river. He looks so funny with his head bearly above the current. I think we will go again tomorrow. We would have today but I took him to the park to play frisbee and he nearly died he is currently under the table sleeping.
I had a dream last night that my parents and aunt died while sailing. I had to take on the house payments and take care of my god sister. It was really really weird. But i was glad that i did the right thing. I mean I cant think of what would happen to her if she had to move back in with her mother.
I am super bummed out becuase Marcus said he had written me but it has been over a week now and still no letter. I think he is about done with me. I need to call Erin and Brittany today. that is my top proirty. Well anyway I think I should be going now, I have a few things I need to get done, not important things just things my dad needs to have done before he gets back from sailing. I think I will also clean the stove again.


Ps I hate that excuse that I am too difficult. I am lonely and I really liked us I want you back in my life. And I am not difficult all the time, I know that I am not impossible to love please just try a little bit harder and I will try as well.